Category Archives: Ordinary

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Café Shore

25th March 2020 billpaterson1@me.com 12 Comments

Assuming that all our readers across the world, like us, find themselves stuck in the boredom of self-isolation, this post may go down in the history of sconology as the first to actually be welcomed. Yeah! Okay, we know that anything that breaks the monotony is welcome … but still!

Last week, it seems like aeons ago, when we left the Tobermory Bakery behind we stayed in Oban for a few days and that, of course, meant scones. We have decided to space them out over the next wee while so that readers might escape the worst of the effects of scone withdrawal. This one comes from Café Shore.

But first, never mind all this ‘stay at home’ stuff. Apparently all you have to do is get rid of your car … just get rid!! Then you can’t get carownervirus! Sorry, sorry, sorry! Obviously, the situation is extremely serious and we don’t want to minimise that in any way, however, it is amazing how humour helps. It seems like the more serious it is the more jokes come out. This one, for example, made us smile.

Rest assured we are not physically in Oban. We are definitely in solitary confinement with nothing better to do than annoy you with this blog. Actually this post is quite significant in sconological terms because Café Shore was where we posted our first review in March 2015. That was 372 scones ago and back then it was called Mitchell’s – the Coffee Corner. Imagine, five years of this nonsense! Okay, let’s not imagine!

Memory problems

As we entered Café Shore we noticed this large, rather handsome, wall plaque. It’s Glasgow’s coat of arms. St Mungo is seen together with the bird that never flew, the tree that never grew, the bell that never rang and the fish that never swam. But what on earth was it doing in Oban? When we asked one of the staff why it was on the outside of the building she said “Oh, I do know … but I can’t remember!” She then proceeded to come to our table every few minutes to tell us that she still couldn’t remember. “It’s really annoying me”. To put her out of her misery we looked it up and it turns out that the building was originally built for the City of Glasgow Bank. “That’s what I couldn’t remember!” she said, joyously. The Bank failed spectacularly in 1877 ruining almost all its investors. We were hoping for better luck with the scones.

This is a nice place with very happy welcoming staff. We ordered coffee and a fruit scone. It came with a nice wee pot of raspberry jam and some prepackaged butter … no cream. They had been freshly baked by Morvern and were delicious. Nice and crunchy on the outside and soft in the middle, just the way we like them. Not quite at topscone but ever so close.

Internal view of Café Shore, Oban — Very quiet, the effects of coronavirus already

Too little too late

Boris Johnson has finally decided to stop fudging and issue late but welcome instructions that, for him, are relatively clear. His initial advice about us all acquiring herd immunity was pathetic considering that herd immunity doesn’t actually exist without a vaccination program … and there’s no vaccine! He has been consistently behind the other UK nations throughout this whole episode. A follower, waiting to see what others are doing, rather than a leader. Now it’s too little too late.

Guy Fawkes and fake blondes

As we said earlier, our very first scone blog was from Oban in 2015 We wish, however, we had been here for Guy Fawkes night in 2011. Then the firework display that was scheduled to last 20 – 30 minutes actually lasted a few seconds when a computer malfunction set them all off at once. Unfortunate but apparently it was quite a sight!

Since our visit, Café Shore, along with hairdressers and everywhere else including Oban distillery, has had to close its doors. Hopefully, Tina and Morvern will be able to reopen and carry on with their excellent business very soon. With the closure of all hairdressers for the foreseeable future, we really feel for fake blondes.

Maybe we can all get back to some sort of normality very soon but in the meantime, behave. And if that’s too much to ask just misbehave as usual but at home! Keep safe.

PA34 4LJ. tel: Cafe Shore FB

///twinkled.lofts.scatters

Ordinary, Scones

The Brown Palace Hotel

16th March 2020 billpaterson1@me.com 3 Comments

In the face of the current Caronavirus outbreak, the government is concerned for the elderly. Fair enough we thought. Then we realised that they were talking about us. The nerve! Funny how, when you get to a certain age, in spite of the fact that every limb is creaking, it still never crosses your mind that you could be classed as ‘elderly’. Now they are also saying that we have to self isolate for four months. Jings, crivvens, help ma bob! In Scottish, that phrase indicates a level of astonishment towards the very top of the scale.

Could this mean the end of sconology as we know it? Not a bit of it because today our scone comes from the Brown Palace Hotel in Denver, Colorado. Eh? Yes, yet again, another of our dedicated band of correspondents has ridden to the rescue. So it’s not us, it’s them, our USA correspondents. And this is not just any old common or garden US motel, like you might find in Schitt’s Creek this an altogether classier establishment. In their own words:

“We were staying at The Brown Palace Hotel in Denver, Colorado. It was built in terms of American history, a long time ago, circa 1892, so it’s fairly new!! The hotel’s claim to fame is the large number of celebrities who have stayed. Including almost every US President except Obama and Trump. What’s interesting is that no-one said why they didn’t stay, they were more interested in telling us that the Beatles stayed, maybe even in the same Presidential suite we had, who knows. Molly Brown, a famous survivor from the Titanic, stayed for a couple of weeks it seems, but the hotel is not named after her, just a coincidence.

Winning bulls

Another great feature if you happen to be in the hotel during the stock show is that they bring in the winning bull, right into the lobby for all to see, and smell. We missed that but did get to enjoy the very historic building and the very friendly staff.

Every day they have Afternoon Tea in the main 8 stories high atrium. It’s a beautiful room with a piano player and ladies dressed in fancy hats, with ripped jeans. It’s Colorado, things are pretty relaxed here. With all the marijuana being consumed and the thin air, everyone seems a bit light-headed.

Titanic

What could not be obtained was coffee, “no sir, this is afternoon tea, we don’t have coffee making facilities available”. Coffee was obtained from the bar, and the scones put to the test. Real clotted cream, OK. Jarred, decent brand jam, OK. But, the scones were small in stature, and basically impossible to put either cream or jam on. I did try to do the jam first in an attempt to hold it together, but it ended up looking like trifle on the plate once the cream was added. If the Titanic hit an iceberg with the consistency of the aforementioned scone, it would still be sailing today, probably spreading Covid-19 as good as any other ship. Of course, with the scone being obtained as a “perk” for being a Marriott Ambassador Elite member, therefore, no charge, I kept my disappointment to myself, and the fine folks reading here.

Colorado

Colorado is an amazing state. You go from desert-like conditions that are dry and arid, 20 C, and then climb 14,000feet to the top of Pikes Peak and it’s -5 C , all in the same day. My mum would love the drive up there, with the sheer drops of 1000 feet or more on one side and the snow piled up on the other. Now it’s the trip back home going from hand sanitizer to hand sanitizer, staying 6 feet from the nearest human as much as possible and holding your breath for the whole 2-hour flight back. Unless, of course, Mr Trump says we can’t and stops more travel”.

Gratis scones

No topscone unfortunately but we are indebted to our correspondents for their excellent report. They were right when they said that the hotel was not named after Titanic’s Molly Brown. It’s named after its founder, real estate developer, Henry Cordes Brown. The triangular plot the hotels sits on was where he used to graze his cow. Nowadays they even have colonies of bees on the roof. It’s part of their drive to be as green as possible. We were not aware that it was possible to get free scones anywhere so we will have to look into this Ambassador Elite shenanigans.

Sliced bread

We have come to the conclusion that coronavirus is the best thing since sliced bread. Judging by the news, wars have ceased, famine has been eradicated, refugees have stopped coming, climate change has become of little consequence … brill! Oh but the stock market? We don’t want to appear selfish or self-centred but will our pensions be okay? Will we ever get to stay in the Presidential Suite at the Brown Palace Hotel … and get gratis scones?? And before you ask, yes, we’re okay for toilet rolls.

CO 80202 tel: +1 303-297-3111 Brown Palace

///types.honey.funds

Ordinary, Scones

Plough Hotel

8th March 2020 billpaterson1@me.com 2 Comments

Back in the 2nd century, before even I was born, Emperor Antoninus Pius built a wall through central Scotland. The Antonine wall came to represent the northern extremity of the Roman Empire. Some think that was because it was too difficult and unwelcoming to venture further north however we think he just enjoyed life in Falkirk. He just wanted it for himself undisturbed by unsavouries from Stirling and the likes.

Diagram of Arthur's O'on — Arthur’s O’on

As an example of how wonderful their lives were they even built a giant stone oven, Arthur’s O’on, presumably for the making of scones. Okay, we just made up that last bit but there was indeed a fabulous round stone house of that name. It was considered to be unique and the best example of Roman construction in Britain. It stood until 1743 when it was demolished by a local aristocrat who used the stones to build a dam. This wonton act of vandalism was roundly condemned at the time and still is by antiquarians all over the world.

Roman scones

All this is simply to let you know that today we are in Stenhousemuir, part of the Falkirk conurbation. The village gets its name from Arthur’s O’on, the ‘stone house’ that once stood here. Not sure how it became known as Arthur’s O’on. There was no one called Arthur. Most likely it’s a derivation of ‘Art’ an old Gaelic word meaning ‘house’. And it was actually a temple rather than an oven. The local folk just thought it looked like a big oven. Still, it’s nice to think of Roman’s lounging around by the banks of the River Carron eating peeled grapes and partaking of tea and scones.

For our scones, we are at the Plough Hotel. Circumstance had dictated that we were here for a function and as luck would have it, we found ourselves in the presence of scones. Our very happy waitress assured us that they had been baked that morning in their own kitchen so we were eager to try. They came with a wee pot of jam and a huge bowl of cream. This was both underkill and overkill all on one plate. They were nice enough but a bit on the sweet side for our taste. Good, but not quite a topscone.

Sticky stuff

Stenhousemuir is also famous for its football team and its cricket club. The football team, rather oddly, has lots of Norwegian fans who regularly travel over for the games. The stand is even called the Norway Stand.

Advert for McCowan's Highland Toffee — McCowan’s Toffee

Since 1922, of course, this was also the home of McCowan’s toffee factory, just across the road from the Plough Hotel. There can’t be many people in the UK who haven’t lost a filling or two while chewing on one of their Penny Dainties. They also famously produced the Wham bar and the Irn Bru bar.

Sadly, McCowan’s no longer exists but dentists everywhere can breathe a little easier. Not that we are breathing any easier. With Italy going into coronavirus lockdown we have just learned that the virus is sexist. It prefers to kill men … particularly men of a certain age … aarrgh!

FK5 4EY tel: 01324 570010 Plough Hotel

///cunning.aboard.onwards

Ordinary, Scones, self-service

Balcony Café

1st March 2020 billpaterson1@me.com 5 Comments

What with wall to wall coverage of the coronavirus and its possible development into a pandemic, we get the feeling that we should not really be travelling anywhere. In fact, we get the feeling that we should maybe go into self-quarantine behind boarded-up doors and windows. Given that ordinary flu kills thousands in the UK each year we can’t help feeling that the current hysteria is becoming a tad overhyped. However, after careful consideration we thought the short hop from Falkirk to Edinburgh would not breach any major international guidelines or regulations. We are so glad that we don’t have any coughs of sniffles at the moment, otherwise, I’m sure we would get an entire carriage to ourselves on the train. Anyway, happily, we made it to Edinburgh, the National Museum of Scotland and eventually to the Balcony Café.

All sorts

We have been here before on several occasions but it’s always full of surprises. Just when you think you have seen it all you turn a corner there is another cavernous hall packed with everything from elephants, totem poles, tyrannosaurs and lighthouses. But you’ve all been to museums like this before. What you really want to know about is the scone exhibits … right?

There are three restaurants that we know of here, there may be more. The Balcony Café is on the 3rd floor and the seating area is strung out along the length of the balcony in the grand hall. In common with lots of places like this, it’s self-service.

A gallery at the Nation Museum of Scotland — Another hall crammed with animals of every kind.

We got a couple of sandwiches and a scone to share. It was great to see that everything here, the butter, the jam, the cream were all from Scotland, See, it’s not difficult! We can never understand why big public institutions like the National Trust for Scotland don’t sell any Scottish stuff in their cafés. It’s always disappointing for visitors who come from far and wide to this wonderful country only to be served Irish, English, French or American products. Nothing wrong with the products per se … just not here where we have lots of our own top quality scone accompaniments.

We liked all the Scottish stuff but when we looked at the scone we had doubts. It appeared quite solid and slightly strange in colour. Once again, however, we had to eat our words as well as the scone. It was delicious! A little bit unusual in texture and with maybe a slight hint of ginger but none the worse for it. Had it not been for the rather surly self-service, this may well have been another topscone.

Globalisation

Visiting places like this museum does heighten your awareness of what a rich and varied world we live in. The rapid spread of the coronavirus outbreak also makes you aware of how small it is. Without the ease of travel, we have all come to enjoy over the past fifty or so years, the spread of viruses like this would be much easier to control. Greta Thunberg, leading a school strike in Brighton the other day, also makes you very aware of how delicate our tiny world is. When Pat and I were at school, large parts of the world were still unexplored. Now if someone sneezes in China we may all expect to be sneezing within days … that’s globalisation.

Assuming, for a moment that the world does survive, it’s still debatable if the UK is going to survive Brexit far less Megxit. On top of that, we now have the unprecedented exit of the previously unknown, Sir Philip Rutnam as boss of the Home Office to further complicate things. It was always on the cards when the odious Priti Patel was made Home Secretary, that this would happen. When we look around for someone to blame, of course, we need to look no further than ourselves … the voters. Not us, of course, we always vote correctly. Given the current state of play in the UK, moving around the museum gazing at all the past sophisticated, complex civilisations that have become extinct, it’s not exactly encouraging. Maybe if we buy a face mask everything will be fine?

EH1 1JF tel: 0131 247 4084 NMS

///ankle,drama.dine

Ordinary, Scones

AJ’s Café

10th February 2020 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

Remember, in a recent post, we said we could do this entire blog without ever leaving Falkirk. Well, here we are again. This time it is AJ’s Café on the High Street. We’ve been here before in 2015 but back then it was called Roasted and Toasted and, for all sorts of reasons, we gave them a bit of a hard time. Would it have improved in the intervening years, that was the question?

So what was wrong the last time? Essentially we were annoyed that they were working very hard but ignoring the basics. That’s a dangerous game when all the big international coffee houses are on your doorstep. Particular grumbles were:

Coffee tasted like it had been watered down
The decor was ‘extreme bland’.
Lighting unimaginative and lots of bulbs out.
Nauseous lifestyle messages like “when it rains look for rainbows“
Scones bought in from outside.
Tables not cleared.
Not taken the previous occupant’s name off the outside canopy.

We would love to report that it has been completely transformed but sadly no. We didn’t have any coffee but can only presume that it’s better than it was. The decor and lighting, unfortunately, was still dismal. The exact same lifestyle messages are still there and the same canopy is still there emblazoned with ‘Kaseys’ … that’s from before it was even Roasted and Toasted!??

Falkirk speak

On the upside, the tables were cleared and we got a lovely warm welcome … and, the scones were homebaked by Linda, the kitchen lady. We ordered some lunch but when we asked for a scone our waitress asked: “wid ye want it het up … or a cid toast it?” That’s broad Falkirk speak for ” Would you care for your scone to be gently warmed … or alternatively, lightly toasted?”. When we asked for a recommendation, without a moment’s hesitation, she said “Toasted“. The deal was done.

Value for money

After our lunch, our toasted scones were duly delivered. They didn’t have cream but there was English jam and Irish butter … argh! We wondered if Linda’s scones would be an improvement on our previous visit. Not only were they an improvement they were fantastic. In fact, had it not been for all the problems, this could have been an easy topscone. Shame. When we went to settle our bill it came to an unbelievable total of £7.20. No wonder they can’t afford to do the place up! At these prices, AJ’s Café may not be around much longer so if you fancy one of Linda’s great scones you had better get a move on!

In spite of many things being wrong In AJ’s Café we wish them all the best. Everyone was working very hard, what they lacked was a bit of business sense. Not a criticism, just an observation.

Goodie bags

At the Oscars, the judging panel obviously took the criticism of their lack of diversity to heart and decided to award the main gongs to Parasite. This is the first foreign language film ever to win anything in the ceremony’s 92 year history. We haven’t seen the South Korean film yet but it is, no doubt, thoroughly worthy of the recognition. Just like lots of other similar films that have been ignored in the past. Difficult though it is, perhaps Hollywood is, at last, trying to be less self congratulatory. If so, congratulations!. Maybe next time they could do away with the £175,000 goodie bags that all the nominees receive … or is that still a step too far in our unequal world? We think that AJ’s Café would gladly provide excellent goodie bags for the poor luvvies for under a tenner.

FK1 1EY tel: 01324 228652 AJ’s

///torn.necks.chose

Ordinary, Scones

Café in the Kirk

24th January 2020 billpaterson1@me.com 3 Comments

Recently, we have come to the conclusion that we could do this blog without ever having to leave our home town of Falkirk. Every time we turn our back, a new cafe or restaurant pops up. Okay, slight exaggeration but only slight. This post from the Café in the Kirk is a typical example.

The Speckled Church

Café in the Kirk has been on the go for a few years, however, not being noted for our religiosity, it just hadn’t registered. Today, however, was the day! Falkirk Trinity Church itself came about fairly recently when three churches merged their congregations … hence the name. A sign of the times, no doubt. Before that, it was the Old Parish Church, a place of worship since the 7th century. Back then it was known as the ‘faw kirk’ or ‘speckled church’ from which the town eventually took its name. Even today, locals tend to pronounce it Fa’kirk. With.soldiers from both the 1298 and the 1746 Battles of Falkirk buried in the graveyard, the church pretty much tells the story of Scotland.

To our great surprise, the Café in the Kirk was very busy, with no available tables. This surprised us in more ways than one. On the way in we had been amply warned by an elderly couple who were sitting outside “the lentil soup isn’t good“, accompanied by knowing glances and shaking heads. In spite of this, we decide to persevere and it wasn’t long before a table became free and we were in … yeah!

Romantic scones

One distinct advantage of coming here was that we felt distinctly young … probably the youngest in the place. The surroundings were fairly utilitarian, brightly lit, oilcloth table coverings, etc. Perhaps not the place to come for a romantic scone. We were attended to by a lovely lady who was dragging a leg. She reminded me of my mother who spent years serving lunches to perfectly able-bodied people while she hobbled around on a walking stick. Needless to say, we cleared our own table then helped our lady deliver our lunches. It seemed like the least we could do. Previously, we had noticed that there were only two scones left. An anxious few minutes were spent waiting to place our order hoping no one else would get them before us. Was that sinful or was that sinful?

Momentary relief

While we were waiting for our lunch to be prepared we noticed this wall poster. Obviously we were heartened by this news and, considering our fraught lives, decided to follow the advice. Joyous relief! However, when we asked for the password for the wifi we were informed: ” for church use only!” Goodness, that didn’t last long. Now we are worried and not enjoying life nearly as much as we did a minute ago. We’re pretty sure God didn’t actually have a hand in this decision, but still?

Although our lunch was great, by the time we got to our scones, expectations were not exactly riding high. However, we were to be confounded yet again … they were delicious! Very fresh and a lovely soft texture throughout. Turned out that our lady with the leg had baked them. If we had been able to get cream this could have been the first topscone of 2020, however, sadly, it was not to be. We are pretty sure that this place is entirely run by volunteers so we are reluctant to be too critical. Overall it’s very good and great value for money.

Celebrate or protest?

Now that the big decision has been taken Brexit barely gets a mention in the news. Attention has been diverted to Trump’s impeachment trial in the US and, of course, the supremely important matter of Harry and Meghan’s future happiness. Yet it is only a matter of days until we finally leave the EU … in Scotland’s case, very much against its will. In fact, the Scottish, Welsh and N.Irish Parliaments have all voted down the EU Withdrawal Bill. Will that make any difference? Not a bit! While Boris tries to determine what sort of celebrations will be used to mark the occasion on the 31st, we suspect that, in other parts of our broken UK, the mood will be more one of betrayal.

The minister of this church, an ardent supporter of Scottish Independence, wrote about the situation in his most recent blog. Yes, good people write blogs as well! He finished with this simple prayer “God, please help us. Amen.” Let’s hope He is listening!

FK1 1JN tel: 01324 611017 Café in the Kirk

///over.sector.news

ps Many thanks to The Laird who notified us of a Falkirk made K6 proudly standing outside the Jamaica Inn on Bodmin Moor in Cornwall. Picture courtesy of haunted rooms.co.uk

K6 outside the Jamaica Inn — Jamaica Inn made famous by Daphne du Maurier novel by the same name

pps Thanks also to one of our Kiwi correspondents for this pic of her home-baked blueberry and banana muffins. Okay, not scones but they do look delicious. Maybe we need to broaden our scope and visit the gumdiggers of Dargaville?

Ordinary, Scones

Smugglers Cafe

17th January 2020 billpaterson1@me.com 3 Comments

Today we are in a Cornwall cafe, the Smugglers. It’s inspired by life on the beach, surfing waves and getting your hair bleached by the sun. Only problem is that the nearest beaches, discounting the nearby mud banks of the River Thames, are many many miles away. We are actually in Putney in central London. Nevertheless, Chrissie, who owns this place, has a soft spot for Cornwall and is determined that the Smugglers Cafe should make people feel a little bit of that Cornwall vibe.

“Cornish Smugglers” conjures up a somewhat romantic notion of hardy folk trying to get the better of overzealous excise men. In London, however, we suspect it might have somewhat darker overtones. Fortunately, the decor of surfboards and photos of bronzed beach-ready bodies went some way towards lifting our mood as the rain did its best to come through the plate glass of the Smugglers Cafe window.

The cafe itself is tiny but the staff are welcoming and soon had us fixed up with a delicious lunch. After that, we could not risk a scone each so we shared a cream tea. Our tea came from Cornwall, grown on the Tregothnan estate (the only tea grown in England) and the Origin coffee is roasted there as well, in Helston. Never been to Cornwall so our knowledge is limited.

Need to go

We know though that it’s the home of the ubiquitous Rodda’s Cornish Cream, the bane of our lives. We also know that it is the home of a kind and civilised people who stoically tolerate their brutish neighbours in Devon spreading cream first on their scones. There was plenty of both jam and cream with our scone and we were in no doubt which was to go on first. The fresh raspberries and blueberries were a nice touch. The scone itself, however, was a bit of a disappointment. Just a bit stodgy and certainly not what we expected from a good Cornish scone. Perhaps we need to actually go to Cornwall?

99 to go

There were lots of nice homely touches in the Smugglers Cafe. On our table there was a tiny green bucket with little discs inside. It was 100 Extreme Things to Do Before You Kick The Bucket … great! Almost the first one we pulled out was Go On A Blind Date, eh? We did that nearly 50 years ago … and we’re still on it! How on earth are we supposed to get round to the other 99?

Recycling?

This week has been bittersweet … we finished the Christmas cake on the train coming down to London. Pat baked it and I iced and marzipan it with the indispensable assistance of a couple of granddaughters. Pat is not that keen but I am very keen on Christmas cake so when I say ‘we’ finished it I really mean ‘I’ finished it. That’s it gone for another year … boo! Christmas, of course, has other after-effects. Today there is much talk of the need to recycle. Indeed it has taken over our lives. Knowing what goes in which bin and when it goes out has become a sort of art form. People who actually know these things are regarded as truly wise oracles, surreptitiously consulted by their bewildered neighbours.

We buy masses of plastic castles, farmyards and other lumps of plastic just to keep our little angels momentarily happy. It is all then stuffed in a cupboard to be thrown out the following year to make way for even more stuff. Never mind the energy it takes to produce all this rubbish, when we try to recycle plastic it takes lots more energy. Either that or it goes to landfill. It’s ironic that in attempting to get some short term gratification from our children we actually end up helping destroy their future. The smart thing to do, of course, is not to recycle but not to buy in the first place! The children won’t mind. Especially if you explain that having a non-plastic Christmas might make it worthwhile going to the effort of growing up.

picture at the Smugglers Cafe — On the Smugglers wall .. it should be Cornwall but looks suspiciously like Scotland

They may even get to Cornwall and enjoy that vibe!

SW151JT. Tel: Smugglers

///

Ordinary, Scones

Courtyard Coffee Shop

12th January 2020 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

You may remember that in our last post from Antonios Deli we narrowly avoided a potentially tricky contretemps over the last scone. All ended well, however, and we came away with a scone recommendation for Denny. Hence today we have ended up here at the Courtyard Coffee Shop. Denny (pop 7,000) is only a couple of miles from our home yet it’s somewhere we almost never visit. We are only here today because a) it was a beautiful winter’s day and we opted to take a drive up the Carron Valley and b) because we were in pursuit of that scone. There are a number of reasons why this town does not figure highly on our radar … or anyone else’s for that matter.

Carbuncle of the Year

Over the last 40 years the town has had the misfortune of finding itself surrounded by a triangle of motorways. The effect is that the town, which used to be on direct routes of communication, is not any more. It has a bypassed look about it and it’s extremely easy to avoid. Some of the pubs have closed and, perhaps as a direct result, even the police station has gone. The folks who live here, however, are a plucky lot. In 2010, to draw attention to the poor state of the town, they asked for it to be considered for the Carbuncle Award as the most dismal place in Scotland … they won! Normally towns live in dread of these awards but not Denny. Not sure if it had the desired effect or not.

Cattle markets

Anyway if it wasn’t for the wonders of SatNav it’s debatable whether we would ever have found the Courtyard Coffee Shop. Turns out it’s on a farm – the Home Farm to be precise and the road it’s on is called Drove Loan. Drove Loans were the routes used by drovers to walk cattle from all over Scotland to the main market in Falkirk. Driving cattle in this way was a major activity in these parts for almost 200 years from 1750 onwards.

This particular Loan would have provided access to Falkirk from the west. We also live on a “Loan” but ours would mostly have seen sold cattle moving south to England. The Home Farm seems to consist of a rather untidy jumble of buildings of which the Courtyard Coffee Shop is but one. There is another containing a beauty salon. It typifies perhaps the way farmers have been obliged to diversify in order to survive.

Luxury scones

For being a bit off the beaten track it was buzzing when we arrived. The staff were very friendly and helpful and soon had us both sorted with a first class lunch. Because we had eaten quite a lot the decision was to share what was termed a “luxury fruit scone”. Think the “luxury” bit meant it came with cream. Our expectations of the first topscone of the year were dashed, however, when we realised that the scone had probably been baked yesterday. Not bad but some way of the standards required for our highest accolade. It was a pity because this is really a great place. Other than the scone everything was excellent. Because the clientele seemed to know all the staff as well as everyone else in the place, the noise of chat and laughter was deafening. But we love that sort of noise.

Dare to be different?

Most of the noise elsewhere this week has been about the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. Goodness knows, when the monarchy decided to admit someone with more than half a brain, trouble was almost inevitable. The fact that Meghan was an articulate American divorcee ‘of colour’ with a highly successful career didn’t help either. It’s incredible to see the media that have been saying “how dare she come over here with all her freethinking ideas” swing round to ” how dare she even think of going off somewhere else”! Good luck to them in their big bid for freedom. They will certainly need oodles of luck to disentangle themselves from the wholly unnatural strictures of Royal life. If they can realise their admirable wish to become self sustaining, … even better.

Perhaps we should be thinking of setting the rest of the Royals free as well. Is it morally justifiable for us as a society to do this to a family? Is it cruel or is it cruel? Surely we should not be allowed to hold a family to ransom like this . We expect them to do our bidding unquestioningly just because we pay them billions. Okay, they are a tourist attraction for people to gawp at but how many readers would like to be a tourist attraction? Thought so. Whatever happens it’s pretty obvious that their is little room for someone with the ambitious free thinking attitudes of America in Britain’s starched monarchy. Pity really, it was the best chance for the Royal family to drag itself into the 21st century. We’ve still got Kate, however, baking scones, giving birth and saying nothing … proper Royal.

While we watch Harry and Meghan’s plight being played out in the glaring media light you should get yourself along to the happy noises of the Courtyard Coffee House. Don’t forget your SatNav!

FK6 5LH tel: 01324 815579 The Courtyard

///scrolled.types.headed

Ordinary, Scones

Antonio’s Deli

6th January 2020 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

Well here we are in Antonio’s Deli! Not only in a new year but in a new decade. A happy, healthy and sconey 2020 to one and all. We have had two weeks of grandkids over the festive season and have come out the other side in much the same way as a couple emerging from a bomb blast – wide eyed and tousle haired but otherwise unscathed … and thankful to have survived!

Things have quietened down now and as we return to some semblance of normality we venture forth like two polar bears emerging, blinking into the spring sunshine. Our last scone was at The Lobster Pot where we asked readers to interpret a puzzling diorama. You may remember some of its contents – a naked lady, a lobster, a snake and a welly wearing dog. Disappointingly, though perhaps unsurprisingly, there were no responses. The mystery remains … unless?

The Lobster Pot was some time ago, however, so we felt that only small steps would be advisable at first to get us back into the sconological swing. Antonio’s Deli was the answer. We can only imagine that the “bistrot” bit is a printing error. Only a short walk from our house and associated with one of our favourite Italian restaurants, Cafe Corvina. However, at Antonio’s we were looked after, not by an Italian, but a lovely Rumanian lady. She delivered the devastating news that she only had one scone left. And, yes, when we looked over at the counter, there it was, a fruit scone in all its solitary splendour. No choice but to share.

Just as we were about to cut it in half, however, we heard our Rumanian lady trying to explain to a rather distraught gentleman at the next table that there were no scones left. We called over and explained that we had the last one. Gosh, if looks could kill! We offered to sell it to him for £5 but he rather ungraciously declined.

New friend

In case it would upset him further we tried not to issue “mmmm” noises as we ate. Not that difficult really because, although it was nice enough, it definitely wasn’t a topscone. No cream and the butter and jam came from everywhere except Scotland … and you all know what we think about that! In the end our gentleman got over his disappointment and chatted with us quite affably. He reckoned that the best scones in the Falkirk area were at Dobbies Garden Centre. We didn’t disagree. He also gave us a hot tip for a scone in Dennyloanhead. We didn’t embrace or kiss or anything but parted as scone appreciating friends … respect!

Video Games

2020 seems like the beginning of a new decade that, by some accounts, we might not see the end of. We don’t want to appear alarmist, however, what with Greta predicting imminent climactic Armageddon and Indonesia and Australia doing their level best to prove her right, you can’t really blame us for bringing it your attention. On top of all that we have Britain leaving the EU in a couple of weeks and Trump picking a re-election fight with Iran. It’s scary and almost impossible to imagine that someone sitting in an office in Arizona or Essex can, joystick in hand, kill someone driving along a road several thousand miles away. Video games but with real life casualties. To us it seems a particularly cowardly and ungallant way of conducting foreign policy.

Presumably they could do the same to all of us? Okay, sconeys are unlikely to ever be seen as a serious threat to world peace but just think of when these deadly drones are small enough and cheap enough to be given as Christmas presents. With such powerful tools at their disposal the barbarian “cream first” sconeys of Devon might try and exterminate all right thinking sconeys caught in the act of putting jam on first. Since there was no cream in Antonio’s Deli this was not an issue. At no time did we feel even vaguely threatened.

Anyway, onwards and upwards. Now that we have stuck our toes back into the scone-land water, we may venture even further next time.

FK1 1HR tel: 01324 637000 Antonios

///friday.keeps.melt

ps Australia has more than enough problems at the moment and our sympathies go out to them. Thank goodness for our miserable, cool but moderate climate back here in Scotland … 16°C forecast for tomorrow though?? Might have to get the deckchairs out early.Buried in our labyrinthine computer we found this pic of our Toowoomba correpondents enjoying an Australian scone. They’ve got cream! Don’t know anything else about it but lets hope that good scone times return to Aus very soon.

Ordinary, Scones

The Lobster Pot

18th December 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 6 Comments

Although Blackness is not far from home we haven’t visited much in the past ten years. Why? Because the pub closed down and it’s a dead end road so there was nowhere to go when you got here. You could go for a walk, visit the castle but that was about all. It was tragic because Blackness itself is lovely with a nice beach and a nice castle but it needed the pub.

Blackness Castle on a December day — Blackness Castle in December

However, our doughty Trossachs correspondents tipped us off that the pub had reopened and was worth a visit. And they weren’t wrong.

A brisk day

First though a little bit about the castle that has stood here for over 500 years. Sometimes known as the Ship That Never Sailed because, from the seaward side it looks like a great battleship. When German submarine U-21 ventured up the River Forth in 1914 that’s what they thought they saw when they raised their periscope. They decided to venture no further. Having walked along to the castle on what might be best described as a brisk day, we were in need of sustenance.

When you enter the Lobster Pot the sign above the door “We’re All Doomed” gives a hint of what’s to follow. The interior is lovely and warm with a very welcome open fire at one end. It is a bar/restaurant which also incorporates “The Wee Shop”. You can buy your loaf, your cornflakes, your pint and have a meal all in the same place … brilliant! There is a veritable cornucopia of paraphernalia virtually everywhere you look. On the ceiling directly above our table was this lifebelt. In the unlikely event of us ever going on a cruise, we want two of these please.

Who needs cream?

The Lobster Pot has only been open since August and it must be a welcome return for the village. All the staff were very friendly and soon had us sorted with some lunch and a couple of fruit scones. Initially they said that cream was no problem but later said that it was. Not to worry butter and jam would do just fine … we can rough it!

The scones and tea arrived after a perfect lunch. Unfortunately they did not live up to the standards we had already come to expect of the place. Enjoyable enough but just a tad on the stodgy side. The jam was from England and the butter from Ireland … what can we say? Nevertheless, the Lobster Pot is an excellent pub and we will be visiting Blackness much more often as a result. We hope it goes from strength to strength.

When Robert Burns was visiting the area in 1787 he had been obliged to leave nearby Bo’ness after calling it “That dirty ugly place Barrowstounnes” . He sought refuge here and was duly impressed because he wrote this poem “Blackness Is Braw” (Blackness is Superduper). Perhaps it was the ladies bathing in the mineral rich sediment of Blackness Bay (they still do it) that impressed him most. He always had an eye for the ladies after all!

This vintage photo of Blackness fishermen in 1919 was hanging on the wall. Amongst them there’s Ewan ‘Muffy’ McLachlan, George ‘Rasher’ Redmond, ‘Raving Ross’ Rintoul, ‘Mad Jack’ Melville and ‘Dark Drew’ Storer. It could easily be mistaken for a modern day picture of Boris’s new Conservative cabinet. We think, however, that we would rather be governed by ‘Mad Jack’ and his crew.

Help, please!

Before we leave the Lobster Pot perhaps you could help us with this? Close to where we were seated was this little boxed diorama. As you will be aware a diorama is a three-dimensional scene used to creatively express learning. However, we were stumped by this. What were we supposed to learn? It contains a fisherman pointing at a cooked lobster on top of a creel, five bottles of Guinness, a terrier dog wearing wellington boots and a large snake wound around a naked lady. There is some deep meaning here but we are perplexed. Perhaps some readers may have a greater insight?

No more scones until 2020 so while you are pondering naked ladies, snakes and lobsters may we take this opportunity to wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy and healthy New Year. Many thanks for your indulgence during the past year.

EH49 7NL tel: 01506 830086 Lobster Pot

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Too little too late

Guy Fawkes and fake blondes

Winning bulls

Titanic

Colorado

Gratis scones

Sliced bread

Roman scones

Sticky stuff

All sorts

Globalisation

Falkirk speak

Value for money

Goodie bags

The Speckled Church

Romantic scones

Momentary relief

Celebrate or protest?

Need to go

99 to go

Recycling?

Carbuncle of the Year

Cattle markets

Luxury scones

Dare to be different?

New friend

Video Games

A brisk day

Who needs cream?

Help, please!

by Bill and Pat Paterson and is about finding good scones throughout the world, with a little bit of politics