Tag Archives: British Empire

Fonab 600

23rd February 2024 billpaterson1@me.com 13 Comments

We’ve been here several times before and as most of you know, we reckon Fonab Castle serves the best scones in the world. It is our benchmark scone. But why Fonab 600 we hear you ask? It’s simply that this is our 600th scone since we started this blog back in 2015. Unbelievable, 600 scones and yet Pat still has the figure of a teenager and I am still compared to a “racing snake”. I’m sure that this doesn’t refer to my ability to move fast these days so it has to be a reference to my sylph-like figure.

Who is PM today?

It’s a milestone so, of course, what better way to mark the occasion than check that our benchmark scones are still up to scratch. Last time we did this was back in 2018. The Prime Minister of the day (we’ve had so many it’s like ‘soup du jour’ when it come to the Tories) was delivering a speech on withdrawal from the EU which totally ignored the wishes of the people of Scotland. Unfortunately, judging by recent events in the House of Commons, nothing has changed in the intervening years. But would Fonab’s scones have changed? That was the question facing us.

The Brasserie at Fonab Castle — The Brasserie

You are also aware that we don’t just judge the scones. Service, presentation, ambience are all key ingredients for a topscone. Fonab is a bit posh but it doesn’t have to be. As long as it’s an overall nice experience we may very well dish out our top award.

Tea

When we arrived at Fonab we were immediately welcomed and shown to a table overlooking Loch Faskally and lofty Ben Vrackie. When we asked for our traditional ‘cream tea’ they said it might take about twenty minutes to prepare the scones. “would that be okay?” Of course! We settled down to peruse the tea menu. Pat decide on “Orange Blossom – a citrusy symphony in your teacup“. I went for the “Fonab Blend – a bespoke tea offering a bright and medium bodied cup with subtle aftertaste of hibiscus and rosehip“. Honestly, it’s getting as fantastical as whisky descriptions.

View from Fonab Castle — View from our table over Loch Faskally

Competition

After about twenty minutes our scones turned up about as fresh as it’s possible to get. Initially we thought they had been a trifle overdone but once again they were perfect. Beautifully warm, crunchy on the outside and wonderfully soft on the inside. Presentation with crisp linen napkins and little pots of jam and cream was second to none. Once again Fonab had managed to retain its position in spite of severe competition. Places such as Ackergill Tower in Wick Claridge’s in London and Schloss Roxburghe in the Scottish border country have tried hard but ultimately failed.

A lot has happened in the course of 600 scones. When we started David Cameron had just gained power for the conservatives. We’ve had another four conservative PMs since then but Cameron is probably still PM, albeit from the backseat. Scottish MPs seeking independence won 56 out of 59 Westminster seats … a fat lot of good that did! Scotland still has a majority wanting independence but don’t hold your breath. Scotland and the Falkland Islands are about all that’s left of the Empire.

If we had any sense we would give up now but, as you are very well aware, we are not over-endowed in that department. Lowly scones have taken us to places we would never otherwise have been and for that we are grateful. They have enriched our lives. But who knows, we might give up if Fonab ever gets knocked off its perch.

PH16 5ND tel: 01796 470140 Fonaab Castle

///soup.material.newsreel

Scones, Uncategorized

Woodlea Cafe

18th February 2024 billpaterson1@me.com 7 Comments

This post is about the folly of not preparing sufficiently. We came here to the Woodlea Cafe because of a recommendation from Tracy at The Bruce Arms in Limekilns. She had also recommended Ale and Pate in Dalgety Bay and that had proved very successful. Obviously Tracy had good taste in scones so we had high hopes for this place.

Sun-dried tomato scones?

The cafe is part of a farm shop on the outskirts of the small mining village of Crossgates in Fife. The local football team is Crossgates Primrose, which plays at Humbug Park. First thing in the farm shop is a butcher’s shop specialising in game. It’s run by a very friendly chap who used to be a gamekeeper in his native Hungary. Then you pass through between large wooden benches laid out with fruit and veg before coming to the bakery. Unbelievably it had sun-dried tomato, cheese and garlic, cherry and almond, blueberry, fruit and plain scones on display. They all looked great and the lady assured us that she had been up since 4am baking them specially for us. She was laughing as she told us but we absolutely believed her. I really fancied trying the sun-dried tomato scones but she said that she supplied the cafe next door so we decided to go there. As we were leaving, with a slightly perplexed look on her face, she calleded “It’s under new management“. Didn’t make much sense at the time but later on it absolutely did!

Disappointment

There were none of the sun-dried tomato scones that we had seen earlier but they did have fruit, cheese/garlic and cherry/almond. Pat went for cheese and I for cherry. We also asked for a bowl of soup and coffees to go with the scones. The girl at the counter wrote down the order meticulously then we went to find a seat.

Very soon we realised that all was not well. People were leaving and calling to the staff “Just cancel our order“. After half an hour we were preparing to do the same when a lady appeared and asked us what we would like …. argh!

We reordered and after another wait the scones arrived. Just scones on a plate, no jam, no butter, no napkins and obviously no cream. When one of the servers asked if everything was okay we said that we would rather have the soup before the scones. She said “of course” and after yet another wait the soup arrived but without spoons. We said we needed spoons for the soup and were told “of course” and they duly arrived … along with some forks?? The soup was quite good but it needed seasoning. However, the thought of asking for salt and pepper or even butter for the bread was too much for us to handle.

More disappointment

By this time we were settling in for what was obviously a farcical pantomime happening before our very eyes. People were still leaving. Some having not received any food and others because they had received some but had given up waiting for the rest. Having to ask for butter and jam for the scones topped it all off. Eventually we received two lots of butter from two different servers but in spite of asking three times for jam we never ever got any. The scones turned out to have been kept in the freezer overnight and were pretty much inedible. All in all this was a complete disaster. If we didn’t know differently we would have sworn that the UK government was running this place.

Systemless

Actually, it was a shame. The manageress kept going around telling people that this was only their second day as if to excuse the utter shambles. However, the staff were trying really hard and some may have even been close to tears. They wanted to do well but simply hadn’t a clue how to do it. The problem was that there was no system and obviously no meaningful training. The stuff that actually emerged from the kitchen looked fine so it all seemed just a dreadful waste.

The manageress, who, along with her husband, turned to be the ‘new management’ was desperately trying to placate everyone. However, we know all too well just how difficult hospitality can be so we try not to criticise negatively. We had a chat with the manageress who was like a rabbit caught in the headlights. We advised her that the best thing she could do was close and open up again once they had themselves sorted out. Hopefully she does because it could be a great place. She didn’t charge for the scones.

Rise and Fall

If you thought our comment earlier regarding the UK government was harsh, it really wasn’t. Can’t remember the last time they got anything right. Unfortunately, although there is to be a General Election this year, none of the alternatives inspire any confidence either. Britain’s problems are deep seated … we seem to be witnessing the Fall bit of the Rise and Fall of the British Empire.

KY11 7ER Woodlea Cafe

///grin.buggy.disengage

Ordinary, Scones

Fat Jacks

15th October 2021 billpaterson1@me.com 7 Comments

Here we are again visiting my elderly aunt in Callander. We’ve got a nerve, she’s not that much older than us. The last time we were in this cafe, however, was three years ago and back then it was called Applejacks. Now its undergone a minor name change to Fat Jacks. Don’t know what that’s all about because it still looks pretty much the same.

Looking north up Loch Lubnaig — Loch Lubnaig from the Cabin. My cousin used to say there was the wreck of a plane on the hill on the left but I never knew whether to believe him or not

Square sausage

Our reason for being out and about was actually to visit the Cabin at Loch Lubnaig. When we used to travel this road every weekend going to Glencoe this was just a little lay-by with a litter bin as the only facility.

A few years back this café was built but because we were always on our way to somewhere else we have never stopped to investigate. We also realised that we would never stop there unless we made it our destination. So that’s why we ended up here. Just our luck, best laid plans and all that, it turned out to be just a serving hatch. No sitting in but lots of seats outside … and no scones …. argh! Heyho, it was a lovely day. We got a coffee and shared a roll and square sausage. We’ve been together many years now so Pat has got used to extravagant fine dining!

For a scone we had to backtrack to Callander, hence we ended up at Fat Jacks. Dedication or what? There were only cherry scones left so that simplified the decision making. They had obviously been baked as a large round then cut up in a triangular shape, a bit like a pizza. No cream or jam though. The lady behind the counter explained that the owners were trying to sell the place so there wasn’t a large selection of anything. And it had that kind of feel about it. The scone had plenty cherries and was nice enough but without the usual accoutrements it was never going to be a topscone.

Hells angels

Not to worry, it was lovely sitting in the sunshine watching the good folks of Callander going about their business. The general peace and quiet, however, was somewhat rudely interrupted by a gang of Hells Angels roaring into town on their Harley Davidsons. They parked right beside us in Ancaster Square and we watched with interest to see what would happen next. They took off their helmets and there wasn’t one of them below retirement age. Should have known … how else can you afford a Harley? They wandered off along the street … probably anxious to find a scone!

Progress ?

In our previous post from Applejacks you will doubtless remember us mentioning Scottish satirist James Thomson Callendar.

wind in Callander — This shop window might be better placed at Westminster

A couple of hundred years ago he published a book rather nattily entitled “The Political Progress of Britain or an Impartial History of Abuses in the Government of the British Empire in Europe, Asia and America since the Revolution in 1688 to the present time, the whole tending to prove the ruinous consequences of the popular system of Taxation, War and Conquest.” You’ve probably all read it by now but we wonder what he would have made of our progress since these days? Not much we suspect. Back then, however, he was obliged to flee the country for daring to criticise the government. No sense of humour or just unable to face the truth … you decide.

FK17 8ED tel: 01877 330370 Fat Jacks FB

///discussed.tungsten.marathon

Scones, Uncategorized

Devil’s Fart

13th January 2021 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

No, we are not talking about Boris or Donald Trump! Devil’s fart is probably more widely known as pumpernickel, a dense German rye bread that’s name actually means “devil’s fart”. Apparently it has flatulence inducing properties. Never having experienced flatulence we thought it might be interesting to try it! And if the packaging is anything to go by it may have other properties as well!! Okay, okay, if this all smacks of desperation then so be it. London is in danger of being overwhelmed by COVID so restrictions are becoming ever stricter everywhere. Who knows, the way things are going, we may not be allowed to look out the window, never mind go on sconing adventures.

Internationalism

The implications for our readers continuing education is worrying, however. Hence, following our previous post on Norwegian skillingsboller, we now bring you the German devil’s fart. It comes courtesy of our Münster correspondents who gave us some as a present. Many thanks to them for introducing us to pumpernickel and helping expand the cultural horizons of our readers.

Bad smells

It used to be found only in north west Germany but now you can get it pretty much anywhere. That said, European and American pumpernickel are different. The American pumpernickel has added ingredients and a higher baking temperature to provide shorter production times. Why oh why does the US need everything ‘fast’? Just chillax and do it properly! Perhaps, with Trump and his compadres only remaining as a bad smell, they may be able to do just that. Or is that wishful thinking?

pumpernickel unwrapped — Pumpernickel loaf unwrapped

So how do you eat pumpernickel? As novices we started by slicing it the wrong way, before realising it was already sliced. It’s pretty solid and a little bit sticky so tends to appear like one solid dark block when it’s unwrapped. A bit like a pack of cheese slices. Not an auspicious start but how would it taste? That’s all that matters after all! In order to give it a fighting chance we decided to try it with a variety of toppings – cheese and ham, cheese tomato and chutney, salami and mustard … and lastly just with some homemade plum jam.

Honest, officer!

The bread itself has a grainy texture and a slightly sweet flavour that’s unusual but quite pleasant. Pat gave top marks to the cheese and ham. My preference was for the salami and mustard though all of them were actually very good. Will we be rushing out in search of devil’s fart? Well, if we cannot go out for scones then we can hardly go out for that. What would we tell the police if stopped? We’ll let you know about the flatulence … or maybe not!

ps: Our pumpernickel was a present and this week we received another. A parcel of framed photos from fellow photographer Dave Hunt. He operates from his Wildgrass Studio in beautiful Glen Lyon and specialises in vintage and fine art photography. Some time back we helped him experiment with his wet plate collodion technique. None of this instant digital nonsense for Dave, no, no, no! He has to coat a plate of glass with light sensitive material, expose it in the camera while still wet and develop it all within about fifteen minutes. If it’s not quite right you just start again … simple!

He misplaced the plates during a house move but found them again recently and sent them on. How can we describe the results? “Brilliantly vintage”, perhaps … just like the sitters! The wonderful thing is that the 5″x4″ plate is completely unique … not another like it. Many thanks Dave, we love them all. Dave also says that these images should last for 200 – 300 years … and to let him know if they don’t. If you find life a bit too fast you can find out about this technique at one of Dave’s workshops. Can’t guarantee he will have such fantastic subjects though.

english, Ordinary, Scones

Centurion Bar

7th March 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

Here we are still in Newcastle. Except this time we are at the station waiting for the train to whisk us back home. It is one of Britain’s busiest stations with a half hourly service to London and others going west to Liverpool and north to Edinburgh and Inverness. It was opened by Queen Victoria in 1850 and is now one of very few Grade One listed railway stations. With almost an hour to wait we found ourselves in the Centurion bar of The Royal Station Hotel. It’s not just any old bar. It’s a very spacious and grand hall which used to be the First Class Lounge. It was decked out with flags for the Six Nations Rugby Championships. We decided to sit under the nice blue one on the right.

Nirvana

The name, Centurion’ suggests a Roman connection and, of course, there is. What was it with the Romans? They came all this way to build tourist attractions? In the year 122, Emperor Hadrian built his wall right through Newcastle to end up at, would you believe it, Wallsend in the east of the city. No sooner was it finished than Emperor Antoninus Pius decided, in 142, to build another wall further north. It ran across the entire breadth of Scotland and through the middle of our home town, Falkirk. Trump and the Romans would have got on just fine. Some historians insist that the reason for building these walls was to keep unruly Scots at bay. However we like to think that they just enjoyed life in Falkirk so much they decided there was little point in going further. They had reached nirvana.

Before long, however, the hedonism and feasting on scones served with Rodda’s Cornish Cream drove them back to Hadrian’s Wall where that sort of behaviour seemed more appropriate. Nowadays the remains of Antonine’s Wall can still be seen in Falkirk but apart from the Roman Bar and a few Italian restaurants there are few signs that the Romans were ever around. Both walls, however, still serve very well in their primary function as tourist attractions. The Hadrian’s Wall Path passes close to this station.

More than expected

Enough about Romans, what about the scones? Yes we decided to have a scone but little did we know that every hot drink ordered came with a complimentary croissant. When our scone arrived it was accompanied with butter, jam and a croissant … too much!! Had we realised we might have asked them to keep the croissant and give us a free scone. And had we not had to pay for the scone it might have fared better in our review. It was okay but definitely not a topscone.

Despicable us

In the end even Newcastle was too much for the Romans. At least, when their Empire collapsed they all just went back to Italy and that was that. Not so with the British Empire. Almost every trouble spot around the globe was designed by us. Iraq and Afghanistan to Palestine and Ireland as well as the current problem between India and Pakistan. All the result of British meddling. When it comes to creating a political mess we do it fantastically well and now with Brexit we can bring that expertise to bear at home as well! Whoopee!

Thankfully, this week, the United Nations highest court in the Hague has ruled against us in what must be one of Britain’s most despicable acts. They have ruled that Britain’s 1968 claim to sovereignty over the Chagos Islands is illegal and they must be returned to Mauritius immediately. Surely you have seen this news splashed all over the media? No? Hopefully, after more than fifty years, all these poor displaced people will be able to return to their homes. What this means for the US military base at Diego Garcia (it was the reason for this crime) no one knows.

We do think, however, that Scotland should raise a similar action against the UK at the Hague … for the travesty of 1707!

Pleasant as it was sitting in the Centurion, the train came and we were duly whisked back to nirvana.

NE1 5DG tel: 0191 261 6611 Centurion

Ordinary, Scones

1884 Bo’ness

14th December 2018 billpaterson1@me.com 7 Comments

Today we are at 1884 Bo’ness. Readers will be aware that from time to time, we go to the cinema. More often than not we go to the Hippodrome in Bo’ness, Scotland’s oldest picture palace. And, more often than not, we go in the morning, just because we can! We are not quite sure why, because on the face of it it is a perfectly normal thing to do, but it still seems vaguely sinful. It’s not so much going in, it’s coming out when it’s not even lunchtime!

Anyway, us sinners went to see Mike Leigh’s Peterloo today and we had no worries about coming out before lunch. At two and a half hours, it’s something of an epic. It’s all about democracy in 1819 and the British government’s attempts to drown it at birth. They did not want common folk getting ideas above their station like the dastardly French. Four years earlier us Brits had given Napoleon a jolly good thrashing at the Battle of Waterloo and, sadly, our ruling classes looked on the Peterloo Massacre of its own people in a similarly triumphant light. This was amply illustrated by the fact that it actually took place at Petersfield in Manchester but was adapted to Peterloo as a warning to other potential upstarts.

Democracy

Anyway the take home message of the film was that we’ve not come very far in the intervening centuries. The UK is still the least democratic of all European states and, of course, democracy has yet to be discovered in Scotland.

After almost three hours of fairly intense viewing however, sustenance was definitely required. Just a short distance from the cinema we came across 1884 Bo’ness, a new café /restaurant. It had only opened a few weeks previously. The rather ancient looking exterior belies its nice modern welcoming interior. It does everything you would expect of a ‘kitchen grille’ but, of course, scones were the main attraction for us. When we asked why it was called ‘1884’, we were told it was because it was carved in stone on the outside of the building. It’s construction date. As good a reason as any and for brother and sister owners, David and Kirstie Stein it’s become rather habit forming. They also run very successful businesses, 1807 in Linlithgow and 1912 in Bathgate.

We decided on a fruit scone and opted for their offer of it being toasted. It was wonderfully warm when it arrived and came with plenty prepackaged jam, butter and whipped cream. It would have been nicer to have had a dish of jam, a pat of butter and some clotted cream but that wasn’t to be. Sadly, no topscone but we enjoyed everything about 1884 Bo’ness and would certainly return on our next cinema visit.

1884 and all that

While this building was being constructed in 1884 there were other things happening elsewhere.

Here in Scotland, in scenes that must have been reminiscent of Peterloo, Royal Marines and police arrived in naval vessels at the tiny village of Uig on the Isle of Skye to help a landowner evict crofters from his Kilmuir estate.
Otto von Bismarck declared South Africa a German colony.
In the US, Alaska became a US territory and on Coney Island the first roller coaster went into action with a thrilling top speed of 6mph.
Batchelor, Grover Cleveland became President of America in spite of admitting to fathering a child in his youth. It gave rise to the chant used against him “Ma, Ma, where‘s my Pa? Gone to the White House, Ha, Ha, Ha!”.
John Harvey Kellogg, patented “flaked cereal” (cornflakes) which he intended as a ‘healthy, ready-to-eat anti-masturbatory morning meal’!
In France the Statue of Liberty was presented to the US and Claude Monet painted “La Corniche near Monaco.”
In the UK, Greenwich was accepted as the universal time meridian of longitude though France refused to accept it for another thirty years.
The Gaelic Athletic Association was founded in Ireland

Cornflakes

From this list we can reasonably deduce that the world has always been slightly mad. Though perhaps not quite as mad as it is today. The EU has sent Theresa May packing. Her attempts to bring about an acceptable Brexit deal seem almost as futile as Kellog’s ambitions for his breakfast cereal.

Wall decoration in the form of a cows skull at 1884 Kitchen and Grill, Boness — wall decoration at 1884

EH51 0EA tel: 01506 829946 1884 Kitchen and Grill FB

Scones, Top

Applejacks

12th September 2018 billpaterson1@me.com 4 Comments

Last time we were in the Perthshire town of Callander we were indulging ourselves at the Roman Camp Hotel. It is situated, would you believe it, on the site of a 1st century roman camp on the banks of the river Teith. It’s great, but definitely at the luxury end of the market. This time we were just here visiting an elderly relative. The town is oft’ referred to as ‘The Gateway To The Highlands‘ and certainly, when we were traveling north to Glen Coe every weekend in our youth, we never felt ‘away’ until we hit Callander.

In summer it is extremely busy so it is well endowed with cafés and restaurants to cater for throngs of tourists. We were attracted to Applejacks by the placard outside advertising our favourite coffee, the Cat’s Pyjamas from Henry’s Coffee Company. The café is a long narrow affair and we ended up going to the furthest point from the door where it seemed, for a moment, like we had gone too far. Nobody was speaking English. Indeed everyone was speaking very loudly in some indiscernible language. Not to worry our waitress was local and soon had us fixed up with a couple of scones. Pat chose plain and I went for apple and cinnamon. The café has a kind of trendy upbeat vibe and as well as great coffee they do a good range of savoury wraps and sandwiches.

Misdemeanours

Our scones were accompanied by pots of jam and clotted cream … all English, arrgghh! We have nothing against that, per se. However, tourists from England do not come all this way north to be served the same stuff they get at home. Since they say on their menu that they pride themselves on accessing local ingredients we pointed out this misdemeanour to the management. They took note! It had been a long time since an apple and cinnamon scone had graced my plate. This one served to reminded me of just how delicious they can be. Not made on the premises but, we were assured, made locally. Pat’s scone was good as well and provided a sweet counterpoint to the strong cup of Cat’s Pyjamas coffee. A winning combination … a topscone. Well done Applejacks!

Too and fro

In the 17th and 18th centuries Callander, like much of Scotland, was a hotbed of unrest. Almost all Scots vehemently opposed the Union in 1707 . To make matters even worse, deep rooted Jacobite sympathies abounded and Callander was no exception. The town’s location, however, made it an obvious choice for a military road. It would provide better access for the government’s armed forces in its aim to subdue the unruly Highlands.

Completed in 1743, ironically, the first army to use the new road was that of invaders. Bonnie Prince Charlie, moving south through Callander from Glenfinnan to Derby in the 1745 uprising. It must have been quite a sight as they passed by Ancaster Square where Applejacks is situated. A few months later of course, after the Battle of Falkirk in 1746, the flow was the other way as they headed back north where the disaster that was Culloden would eventually unfold.

Criticising the government

Over the following decade, with over 400 garrisons north of the border, Scotland would be comprehensively crushed. It became the colony it remains to this day. Also ironically, a few years later the town’s namesake, James Thomson Callendar published a book with the rather snappy title of “The Political Progress of Britain or an Impartial History of Abuses in the Government of the British Empire in Europe, Asia and America since the Revolution in 1688 to the present time, the whole tending to prove the ruinous consequences of the popular system of Taxation, War and Conquest.” For his criticisms of the then system of government, Callendar, accused of sedition, had been obliged to remove himself from Scotland and flee to America.

Foundations

Sounds like his book could well be pertinent even today. As our more fervent Brexiteers, the Goves and Rees Moggs, fantasise with their rose tinted glasses over the glory days of Empire it is perhaps worth remembering that the barbaric practices perfected in the ten years after Culloden formed the foundations of the Empire.

Customer distribution map of the world at Applejacks, Callander — a wall map showing the Applejacks empire of diverse customers

However this picturesque little town hides its more turbulent past rather well. And Applejacks is a great addition to its High Street.

FK17 8ED tel: 01877 330370 Applejacks FB

ps For some reason Pat laughed out loud at this notice in Applejacks.and some kind soul has knitted covers to keep the street bollards warm … magic, the world has not gone completely mad after all

Scones, history and a dollop of politics