Offshore Archives - Scones, history and a dollop of politics

Back in February you will all clearly remember that we visited Duck Bay on Loch Lomondside. We were impressed by its modern, almost glitzy appearance and were surprised to learn that the management, family run Cawley Hotels, also had a place in our home town of Falkirk. Typically perhaps, we then forgot all about it. You know how it is? When you live in a town like Falkirk you tend to think that nothing much changes. The odd ginormous horse’s head appears but otherwise everything pretty much stays the same.

Things do change however and this place is a prime example. Just over a year ago it was known as the Wheelhouse because of its proximity to the Falkirk Wheel. We liked it and would occasionally drop in for a coffee or a spot of lunch. Now, however, it is called Boardwalk and it wasn’t until we walked through the door that it dawned on us … Boardwalk is Cawley Hotels place in Falkirk. Now we remember?

It has been transformed from its previous rather dark and subdued existence. Now it is the exact opposite. Both inside and out, it is bright and airy … an huge change for the better. There’s lots of outside seating though today was a wee bit damp to take advantage. New glass walls give the illusion of it being much bigger than it was and there are numerous different eating areas catering to all requirements.

Learning on the job

We had been hoping to have a sandwich and a scone … if they had any. However, when we left Duck Bay, all these months ago, we had promised ourselves a return visit to try their delicious looking meringues and strawberry tarts. Here at Boardwalk, we ended up opting for an afternoon tea since that seemed to encompass all our needs – sandwiches, scones, meringues and strawberry tarts … perfecto! We were looked after by a nervous looking young chap who had obviously just started and was being tutored in the fine art of looking after discerning sconey’s every whim. He did very well and by the time we left, he not only seemed to have grown in confidence but also in stature … brill!. What about the scones?

Tricky decision

Well, everything was excellent, including the scones. Unfortunately we found ourselves debating whether or not they were topscones and sadly decided that they just missed out .. by the merest smidgen. A little on the big side and a little short on fruit. It was the same tricky decision when we were at Duck Bay so perhaps we should not have been surprised. Everything else about Boardwalk looks and feels great so we will definitely return before long.
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Prince Archie

In between the wall to wall coverage of Prince Archie’s arrival you sometimes get a snippet of Brexit news. Unbelievably, now we will have to elect new representatives to the EU Parliament … even though we are leaving. Okay the EU has stipulated that the UK must not make mischief in the new Parliament but try telling that to mischief-maker-in-chief, Nigel Farage. It seems to us that the EU should have the ability to expel members. The UK must have cost the EU dearly in terms of money and time wasted. They should just expel us and then independent Scotland can get on with the job of rejoining.

When we were on the Independence march in Glasgow last week we were impressed with the enthusiasm of the many young people taking part. Why not, it’s their future? They tend to get drowned out by the older voters however. Hence back in February in our Offshore post (the one before Duck Bay), we proposed that everyone one year older than me should be shot. The proposal raised much concerned comment from, perhaps unsurprisingly, readers who thought they might be affected. Okay, it’s a tad radical but we see no reason to change! Otherwise, for goodness sake, how are people supposed to learn to vote correctly?

FK1 4AD tel: 01324 272427 Boardwalk Falkirk

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Paul Graham, en plein air on the Isle of Coll — En plein air on the Isle of Coll

One of our photographic friends, Paul Graham, was having a launch exhibition of his paintings at the Annan Gallery. It’s on Woodlands Road in Glasgow. A talented photographer for most of his life Paul has now veered more towards art. He works ‘en plein air’ which is his hifalutin way of saying ‘outside’. Paul does though! He sets his easel up in all sorts of situations and climatic conditions and gets to work, For some of the fab results see his blog. Anyway, much as we appreciate Paul’s work we were really only here for the champagne. Once that was finished there was nothing left to do except go for a scone. Okay, okay, that may seem slightly shallow but at least we were in a good mood for a scone.

Not far from the gallery we came across this place, Offshore, on Gibson Street. We mention the street simply because it was once home to the legendary Shish Mahal Indian restaurant. Back in the day, it used to be one of the few places you could get alcohol late on a Sunday evening. Typical order might have been ‘five chapatis and ten pints of lager‘. It had to close in Gibson Street because of subsidence but is still going strong in nearby Park Street. One of it’s close competitors, the Koh-i-Noor actually collapsed into the river Kelvin. Anyway, we digress!

Cursory wipes

Offshore looks a little bit as if it has been dragged from the Kelvin. A wee bit bedraggled. However this is student territory and since when were students put off by a bit of tawdriness? It had that studenty feel. Lots of folk, who looked like they had been there all day, reading books or fiddling with their laptops. We had to ask for our table to be cleared and cleaned. They did clear it but cleaning was nothing more than a cursory wipe. It needed more than a cursory wipe!

There were only rather large fruit scones available and a request for cream only produced a withering look. Toasted scones were not a problem however and they came accompanied by butter and a sachet of Nashville strawberry jam. We have only ever come across this north American preserve once before in Bob & Bert’s. My coffee cup had a major crack running all the way down but we guessed that they didn’t throw them away until they actually started leaking. I was fortunate in that mine, against all expectations, seemed to still be retaining its contents quite well.

Now you may think that this is all heading in one direction but the scones were damnably good. Warm and soft and quite delicious … even with American jam! We had thought, since they were not doing anything else right, that the scones would be similarly handicapped. However, had it not been for all the other problems these would definitely have been topscones. Maybe it was the champagne?
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Deserting the sinking ship

Offshore isn’t only where the wealthy keep their filthy lucre. It’s also where most people would like to be as Brexit wends its weary way towards some sort of cataclysmic conclusion. We don’t mean this café, we mean anywhere other than the UK. What irony! Principally, it was the north of England that voted to leave the EU. Now, one of the main industries in the north of England, Nissan, has announced it’s abandoning the UK to build their latest model elsewhere. Why? Because of Brexit. The north of England has many reasons to feel hard done by but it had little to do with the EU. It was just a really crappy conservative government here in the UK blaming the EU for its own shortcomings. It beggars belief that we are still pressing on, like lemmings, towards the cliff edge.

A plan

It was mainly old folk who voted for Brexit … young folk cannot remember anything other than the EU. The elderly also denied Scotland its independentence in 2014 … frightened about their pensions, Consequently we have come up with a plan. Everybody who is one year older than me should be shot. This plan will undoubtedly have a few critics however it would mean that most people would then vote correctly … simple! Some older friends might be saying “but what about us?” We realise there’s a downside but as Theresa would say “trust me, I know what is best for the country and this is the only way”.

In such dire circumstances my cracked mug doesn’t seem quite so important any more.

G12 8NU tel: 0141 341 0110 Offshore TA

Scones, history and a dollop of politics

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