Category Archives: Ordinary

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Loch Melfort Hotel

19th March 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

Politically, things have been so dire recently that we have been reluctant to venture out for a scone. Not because we had gone off scones, you understand, but because it would then require us to say something cogent about the current situation at Westmonster. A veritable impossibility. How is it possible to end up in a situation where the government is the most diabolically pathetic ever in the history of governments and the opposition, which is supposed to save us from such things, is even worse? Unbelievable!

We have had to break our silence, however, because believe it or not, this is our 300th scone. And still, if we turn sideways, you can barely see us. It’s truly amazing. In 2015 when we wrote our first scone post in Dunkeld, we certainly did not expect that exactly four years later we would still be at it.

View from Loch Melfort Hotel — View from our window

Stats

A lot has happened in those four years on allaboutthescones. We have mentioned Brexit 78 times. Not surprising you might think but remember, back then, the word Brexit hadn’t even been thought of. Trump hadn’t been thought of either, at least not seriously, but he managed to get himself mentioned 53 times. Theresa May only managed 43! In terms of scones we have had 76 topscones and 2 apple pies. Fonab Castle has maintained its position on top of the scone pile throughout. An extraordinary achievement by any standards.

Would our 300th provide a fitting crescendo? Where would it be?Serendipity dictated that it would be here at Loch Melfort Hotel. A lovely spot if ever there was one. It’s situated in Arduaine Gardens which in themselves are reminiscent of a tropical rain forest. The North Atlantic Drift, sweeping up from the Caribbean, has a profound affect in this part of the world. Palm trees and bamboo abound. Lichen grows in huge tresses from all the trees indicating the purity of the air. The hotel used to be the ‘big house’ of the estate but when the gardens were taken over by the National Trust for Scotland it was converted to its current use. Anyway, so what about this 300th scone?

The wrong reasons

We were fortunate to be able to sit in glorious sunshine in one of the hotal lounges looking out towards Croabh Haven and the Isle of Luing. As far as settings went this was absolutely perfect. The scone itself came nicely presented with plenty of jam and whipped cream. Unfortunately, that was the good bit. The scone had a sort of leathery skin the like of which we have never come across before. Once it had been penetrated with a knife the innards were nothing to get excited about either. This 300th scone was notable for all the wrong reasons. The jam and cream made it sort of edible however. Quelle dommage! Everything else was fantastic so it was really unfortunate that the scone let the place down so badly. Heyho, life goes on!

Democracy

Life may not be going on much longer for Theresa May. The Speaker of the House of Commons, dastardly chap that he is, has gone and foiled her wicked plan to run down the clock on Brexit. Isn’t it odd that the folk who scream about democracy having to be respected are so dead set against democracy taking its course in another referendum? Anyway we still have a few days left before the cliff edge. It has been nice knowing you all!

PA34 4XG tel: 01852 200 233 Melfort Hotel

ps: In the nearby village of Melfort we came across this K6 telephone box. It was manufactured by the Saracen Foundry in Glasgow and was the first box we have come across functioning as a prison. A padlock on the door was ensuring that the large gnome inside was prevented from escaping. We have no idea what misdemeanour the gnome had committed to deserve such a fate. Explanations on a postcard please.

english, Ordinary, Scones

Centurion Bar

7th March 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

Here we are still in Newcastle. Except this time we are at the station waiting for the train to whisk us back home. It is one of Britain’s busiest stations with a half hourly service to London and others going west to Liverpool and north to Edinburgh and Inverness. It was opened by Queen Victoria in 1850 and is now one of very few Grade One listed railway stations. With almost an hour to wait we found ourselves in the Centurion bar of The Royal Station Hotel. It’s not just any old bar. It’s a very spacious and grand hall which used to be the First Class Lounge. It was decked out with flags for the Six Nations Rugby Championships. We decided to sit under the nice blue one on the right.

Nirvana

The name, Centurion’ suggests a Roman connection and, of course, there is. What was it with the Romans? They came all this way to build tourist attractions? In the year 122, Emperor Hadrian built his wall right through Newcastle to end up at, would you believe it, Wallsend in the east of the city. No sooner was it finished than Emperor Antoninus Pius decided, in 142, to build another wall further north. It ran across the entire breadth of Scotland and through the middle of our home town, Falkirk. Trump and the Romans would have got on just fine. Some historians insist that the reason for building these walls was to keep unruly Scots at bay. However we like to think that they just enjoyed life in Falkirk so much they decided there was little point in going further. They had reached nirvana.

Before long, however, the hedonism and feasting on scones served with Rodda’s Cornish Cream drove them back to Hadrian’s Wall where that sort of behaviour seemed more appropriate. Nowadays the remains of Antonine’s Wall can still be seen in Falkirk but apart from the Roman Bar and a few Italian restaurants there are few signs that the Romans were ever around. Both walls, however, still serve very well in their primary function as tourist attractions. The Hadrian’s Wall Path passes close to this station.

More than expected

Enough about Romans, what about the scones? Yes we decided to have a scone but little did we know that every hot drink ordered came with a complimentary croissant. When our scone arrived it was accompanied with butter, jam and a croissant … too much!! Had we realised we might have asked them to keep the croissant and give us a free scone. And had we not had to pay for the scone it might have fared better in our review. It was okay but definitely not a topscone.

Despicable us

In the end even Newcastle was too much for the Romans. At least, when their Empire collapsed they all just went back to Italy and that was that. Not so with the British Empire. Almost every trouble spot around the globe was designed by us. Iraq and Afghanistan to Palestine and Ireland as well as the current problem between India and Pakistan. All the result of British meddling. When it comes to creating a political mess we do it fantastically well and now with Brexit we can bring that expertise to bear at home as well! Whoopee!

Thankfully, this week, the United Nations highest court in the Hague has ruled against us in what must be one of Britain’s most despicable acts. They have ruled that Britain’s 1968 claim to sovereignty over the Chagos Islands is illegal and they must be returned to Mauritius immediately. Surely you have seen this news splashed all over the media? No? Hopefully, after more than fifty years, all these poor displaced people will be able to return to their homes. What this means for the US military base at Diego Garcia (it was the reason for this crime) no one knows.

We do think, however, that Scotland should raise a similar action against the UK at the Hague … for the travesty of 1707!

Pleasant as it was sitting in the Centurion, the train came and we were duly whisked back to nirvana.

NE1 5DG tel: 0191 261 6611 Centurion

Ordinary, Scones

Glencoe Café

22nd February 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

Old Mrs MacDonald had just prepared a fresh batch of scones.

“Would you be wanting one, Duncan?” she asked the fresh faced young lad who had been lodging with her for the past two weeks. In the fading February light there was just the gentle flicker of the open fire where the scones had been baked. They were still sitting there keeping warm.

“Would you like cream with the butter and jam, Duncan?”

“That would be grand Mrs Mac, there’s nothing like a freshly baked scone. I like them crunchy on the outside and nice and soft in the middle”, Duncan replied.

“Funny, that’s how I like them as well” said Mrs MacDonald in her soft highland accent. She looked fondly on the youngster in the warm glow.

Highland hospitality

As part of the government forces made up mostly from clan Campbell, Duncan had been sent to Glencoe from Invergarry. You may remember us referring to their leader in our post on the Glen Lyon Tearoom. For some time now the Campbells had been enjoying the MacDonald’s scones. Little did Mrs MacDonald realise that later that same night, the signal would be given and she would be brutally murdered in her bed by the very same scone munching Duncan. This scenario was being played out in every house. The village was burned and the livestock taken. The Massacre of Glencoe in 1692 has thus become synonymous with betrayal. Even worse, a betrayal of highland hospitality … unthinkable!.

Clan of choice

The whole sorry affair came about because the MacDonald’s chieftain had been a day late in bending the knee to King William III of England. Perhaps better known as William of Orange, or in some parts, King Billy! Truth be told the MacDonalds of Glencoe, along with the MacGregors, did not have glowing reputations. Both clans were generally regarded by the authorities as outlaws and general ne’er-do-wells. It was the MacDonalds of Glencoe, however, who were to be slaughtered as a warning to other Scots who might get ideas.

Long memories

Nowadays, even though the local hotel has a sign at reception reading “No Hawkers or Campbells”, that’s all in the past. Although we ourselves are MacDonalds, it’s my middle name for goodness sake, we harbour no ill feeling. Having said that we have never knowingly spoken to a Campbell or eaten with one or willingly been in the company of one. Sharing a scone with one??? We jest … a little!

The dancing!

Anyway, all this is to simply give you a little background knowledge because today we are at the Glencoe Café. It wasn’t here in 1692 but if it had, it would have been burned to the ground. Last time we were in the area was only a few weeks back. A spot of hedonistic pampering at The Glencoe House Hotel. We explained that Glencoe was our weekend destination of choice when we used to do Spiderman impersonations on the sheer rock faces of Aonach Dubh. No, we didn’t do the outfit!

That wasn’t yesterday, however ‘the Coe’ still retains many happy memories for us both. Saturday night dances in the village hall were the stuff of legend. Much has changed in the intervening years however we think this café is built where the old village hall used to be. The big question was, would their scones be as good as the ones Mrs MacDonald gave to that Campbell fella?

Alan and Deirdre Copeland run the café and the gift shop with great enthusiasm. This is February and the café was full to overflowing . Goodness knows what it’s like when the place is buzzing with tourists in the summer months? We were seated next to three Brazilians who wanted to know where to go for a walk … eh? Just look out the window, you can walk anywhere! They were lovely people though who lived in Glasgow. They were on a day trip so didn’t have oodles of time. We pointed them towards Glencoe Lochan so we hope they got there and enjoyed it.

Egg timers?

All the Copeland’s tea is loose leaf and it’s served in glass teapots with internal diffusers and an egg timer … eh, again? It’s so you know when your tea is sufficiently infused … obviously! The scones are freshly baked every day and come with plenty jam and cream. All in all this is a friendly unpretentious place which is exactly what you would expect in this part of the world. We thoroughly enjoyed everything about it even though our scones didn’t quite make the grade.

Trust in short supply

Given the episode between the MacDonalds and the Campbells can anyone be really trusted? Donald Trump insists he has an emergency on his hands and needs ‘special powers’ to build The Wall. No one else can see the emergency so we guess it just has to taken on trust. Theresa May insists she is not running down the clock on Brexit. No one else sees that either so we guess it just has to be taken on trust. That’s a whole lot of trust.

School children all over the world are going on strike. They don’t have enough trust in their politicians to act on climate change. It’s not as if the world is running out of trust. It’s not a finite resource like gold or oil. It can be generated in endless amounts but, these days, it seems like a very scarce resource indeed.

Jeremy Corbyn must be thinking that as well with the seven MPs defecting from his Labour Party. He must be counting his blessings it’s only seven … ooops there goes another one, that’s eight! The surprise is that he’s surprised. The world is not devoid of trust though. The Conservative government has learned to trust Corbyn’s Abstaining Party to bail them out of whatever trouble in which they find themselves. Ooops there go another three, Tories this time. It’s difficult to keep up. Ooops there goes another Labour one! Where will it all end? What would old Mrs MacDonald have made of it all? Thank goodness we can trust Theresa to sort out Brexit?

In Syria, as jihadi bride or daft lassie, Shamima Begum has her passport revoked we’re tempted to ask “What about the Campbell’s passports?” But we won’t. That’s all in the past after all!

PH49 4HP tel: 01855 811168 Glencoecafe

Ordinary, Scones, self-service

The Courtyard Coffee House

20th February 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

Once again we are in Callander visiting an elderly relative. Once again, after a visit to the Outdoor Shop we were peckish. We wandered across the street to this place thinking we might get a scone. Crikey, it’s a strange place! Not even a name above the door! We swithered and thought perhaps we should go to Applejacks, directly opposite. We had already reviewed Applejacks and knew it to be good but our dedication to sconological research took over. In we went!

Not only was there no name above the door, it had an estate agent’s ‘For Sale’ sign outside. However, no presence on the estate agents website. We looked! In fact it doesn’t appear to have a presence of any kind on the internet. No website, no FaceBook, no Tripadviser? The only way we discovered its name was on the pavement billboard outside.

So, it kind of had a name … hurrah! As well as a name it had scones, fruit and plain … hurrah again! Who cares about all that other stuff. The strangeness continued, however. It was self service and the staff were very friendly but we had to pay up front before they brought our order and it was cash only. All a wee bit surreal.

Scone assistance

When our scones arrived the lady explained that she had already cut them in half for us because they were so light and crumbly. She hoped we would manage them without further assistance. Her concern was not entirely misplaced. The scones were incredibly light and full of currants, sultanas and cherries. They were indeed quite difficult to manage. When you lifted them they just crumbled and fell back to the plate. You had to scoop them up and tip them into your mouth in a slightly undignified fashion. They were delicious, however, and the crystallised sugar topping gave them a delightful sweet crunchiness. All things considered, however, this was no topscone.

There is no point in giving you contact details for this place because there aren’t any. Unless we were involved in some sort of Brigadoon experience, all we can say is that it was there. It wasn’t just a figment of our over active imaginations. However it may not be there tomorrow or next week so if you fancy a really crumbly but delicious scone you had maybe better get your skates on.

Fashion

Talking of ethereal things like Brigadoon, we were saddened by the news that Karl Lagerfeld has died. Unlikely as it may seem, our family is steeped in the fashion industry. Brands like Alexander McQueen and Jimmy Choo owe much to our family. Okay, maybe not that much but definitely a bit! Fashion, frivolous and transient as it may be, adds much to our lives and Lagerfeld, somehow, symbolised it perfectly. After all. few would like to be uniformly dressed by Chairman Mao, extinguishing all sense of individuality. Lagerfeld epitomised the frippery of fashion but also had wise words. He once said. “When people talk about the good old days, I say to people, ‘It’s not the days that are old, it’s you that’s old.’ I hate the good old days. What is important is that today is good.” Perhaps he should have been running the country instead of Chanel.

Anyway, the Courtyard Coffee House was there … honest!

Ordinary, Scones

Star & Garter Hotel

15th February 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

Scotland’s national poet, Robert Burns, was born 1759 in the Ayrshire town of Alloway. The same year also saw the birth of this place, in the West Lothian town of Linlithgow. At that time it was the home of the wealthy Boyd family of ship owners. By the 1847, however, it had been transformed into a coaching inn, the Star & Garter, under the ownership of James Burleigh. At that time it was the Avis or Hertz of its day, hiring out horses and carriages. It’s right beside the station which is handy for us. While our car is being serviced in Bo’ness we can jump on a train and the garage picks us up from here. On some previous occasions, you may remember, they have picked us up at the Black Bitch.

Having a little time to spare, however, our attention was drawn towards the possibility of a scone. When we asked we were informed by a nice young man that tea and coffee were no problem. However, if we wanted a scone we would have to wait until he baked one. You will agree, it would have been rude and churlish to turn him down on such an offer.

What’s in a name?

There are loads of pubs in Britain bearing the Star & Garter name. How come? As far as we can ascertain the Garter bit comes from the Order of the Garter. In 1344, Edward III decided to admit some of his knights to the Order of the Garter to make them feel a bit special among all these other common-or-garden knights. A bribe, in other words, for extra loyalty. The medals accompanying these awards usually came in the form of stars. Presumably the phrase “star and garter” began to be used to denote something a bit special. Would our scone be worthy of such an accolade?

Promising start

We were sitting by an open log fire waiting for them to be baked so no great hardship there. Although we had our tea and coffee, waiting like this does heighten the sense of anticipation. Suffice to say, by the time they arrived we were ready! Having just come from the oven they were wonderfully warm, and although there was no cream there was plenty of jam and butter. First bite was very promising however as we progressed we decided that they had just been slightly over baked. We like them slightly crunchy on the outside but these were more ‘hard’. Had it not been for that they could have merited a topscone but sadly it was not to be.

Honoured

However, sitting here by the fire in February with a slightly hard scone is still very enjoyable. We always feel honoured when folk offer to bake scones specially for us. Not as honoured as a knight of the realm you understand and certainly not as much as a gartered one, but honoured nevertheless.

Bribes

It is incredible that the government was defeated yet again last night and it doesn’t seem to make the slightest bit of difference. Why do they bother with all that palaver? Theresa May, never mind she cannot even command her own government, sets off to Brussels in another futile attempt to browbeat the EU into some sort of submission. It really takes some believing. Perhaps she is going with a bundle of stars and garters in her handbag. She has bribed everyone else so it may be worth a try.

A Parcel of Rogues

When Robert Burns wrote ‘Such A Parcel Of Rogues In A Nation’ he could easily have been referring to Brexit and the secretive ERG group of MPs. He wrote: “Is wrought now by a coward few, For hireling traitor’s wages”.Though he could just as easily aimed it at MPs in the Labour party who will go with anything just to keep their jobs.

EH49 7AB tel: 01506 845647 Star & Garter

ps. Honours should really go to our N.Ireland correspondents who, on a wee trip to Venice, diligently set about searching for a scone. Not easy in such an uncultured place however they did manage to find scone approximations. Apparently these items are only made at Carnavale time. This year that runs from 16th Feb to 5th March so we are doubly honoured to be seeing such rare Italian sconey things. They didn’t say how they tasted however .. more training required!

As always, many thanks to all our correspondents.

Ordinary, Scones

Bobby’s at Duck Bay

12th February 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie braes

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Where the sun shines bright on Loch Lomond

Where me and my true love were ever wont to gae

On the bonnie, bonnie banks o’ Loch Lomond

That’s what I was singing to Pat as we arrived here on a beautiful warm February day. She didn’t have her fingers in her ears but perhaps a slightly better rendition is by Runrig and The Tartan Army. You can hear it by clicking here. We recommend letting it run in the background as you read. By the end you’ll feel completely Scottish and will probably be dancing on the nearest table. Be careful though, we don’t want to cause any accidents!

Although it has become a kind of Scottish anthem it is, of course, a rather sad song. A captured Jacobite Highlander bemoaning the fact that he will never again see his true love on the bonnie bonnie banks. Not for me though because I am here and I have my true love with me …

Where in deep purple hue, the hieland hills we view

Okay!!! Enough, we hear you cry! Is there a scone somewhere here? Well, of course, there is!

View from Bobby's at Duck Bay Marina, Loch Lomond — Snow capped Ben Lomond in the middle distance from the beach at Duck Bay

Loch Lomond is Britain’s biggest loch/lake and we are fortunate indeed to have it on our doorstep. After a short but beautiful drive we ended up here, Bobby’s at Duck Bay. We go up and down the loch side a lot but this is the first time in quite a few years we have stopped off here. It’s reputation never used to be that great. Now, however, it has been taken over by Cawley Hotels and Restaurants and it’s much improved. Turns out, unbeknown to us, they also have a place at home in Falkirk. Watch this space!

Main restaurant at Bobby's at Duck Bay Marina, Loch Lomond — The main restaurant overlooking the loch

Weekday revellers?

There is a large restaurant that looks out over the loch and this place Bobby’s which is more for snacks and refreshments. It was busy! How come all these people can be here on a weekday afternoon? Shouldn’t they be at work or doing something useful to aid the floundering UK economy? What about us? Well, what about us … that’s different! The afternoon tea looked fantastic but we weren’t feeling quite so indulgent. Another time maybe. A scone to share and some lunch was our order. We were served by a young girl who looked as though she just wanted to be somewhere else … anywhere else! Why do people not just decide to enjoy their work. It’s easily done and it makes a massive difference for everyone concerned.

Tarts

Anyway, in spite of the surly service our food arrived quite promptly and it was all delicious. That applied to the scone as well. It came with a little jar of jam (English) and a pot of whipped cream. Nice texture and plenty fruit but not quite a topscone. You can’t really help but have a good time here, especially on a gorgeous day like today. Next time we might come for some of these strawberry tarts and meringues.

Is Runrig still playing? Are you on a table? Careful how you get down! If that wasn’t floating your boat there is another version by Bill Haley and the Comets.

The terrace at Bobby's at Duck Bay Marina, Loch Lomond — The terrace at Duck Bay

Far fetched

Loch Lomond has 92,800 million cubic feet of water however that is a mere drop in the ocean compared to Loch Ness which, being much deeper, holds more water than all Britain’s lakes and lochs put together. It also holds a monster, of course and some would have it that there is also one here in Loch Lomond. Sightings have been few and far between so we think the Loch Lomond monster may be a wee bit far fetched. However, not as far fetched as Brexit negotiations or Trump’s claims about the Mexican border. Does anyone, anywhere have a clue what is happening with either?

‘The Plan’ proposed in our previous post Offshore seems to have met with some opposition. Obviously, getting the voters to cast their vote sensibly was never going to be easy. The Plan is therefore, by necessity, a tad radical. We would, however, simply ask those opposed to just be a little more public spirited. Thank you!

G83 8QZ tel: 01389 751234 Bobby’s

Ordinary, Scones

Matty Steele Café

8th February 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

It was obviously a Scottish neck and an English axe because it took three blows to part her head from the rest of her body. Breakfast time, on this very day, 8th Feb in 1587, Mary Queen of Scots had her head chopped off. We know this because, as they say “we seen it in the movies“. Kind of appropriate that we watched it at the Hippodrome Cinema in Bo’ness. Just a couple of miles from Linlithgow Palace where Mary was born.

Internal view of the Hiipodrome cinema Image — Inside the Hippodrome (picture courtesy of the Hippodrome)

Chop chop

In spite of them taking quite a few liberties with the actualities we enjoyed the film. It’s just the movies after all. However her life was so eventful it’s a little surprising they had to make things up. In case you are going to see it they didn’t actually show the chopping bit. That would’ve been too much. Everyone on the edge of their seats. Will it come off this time? This time? This time??

The problem, as always was religion. It’s odd to think what might have happened if things had turned out differently. What if her first husband Francois, who made her Queen of France, had not gone and died on her? In slightly different circumstances she might have kept her head? What if she had overcome English treachery and gained the British throne? Who knows? Instead of being snivelling members of the EU we might have been vibrant and enthusiastic participants. Okay, okay that’s taking things way too far! The take home message from the film was … back then, it was no fun being a Queen, or even just a queen. There was plenty of both in the film.

When the film finished a scone was called for however we thought we had been in every café in town. We had reviewed Brian’s Café, and 1884 as well as the Ivy Tearoom. However, just a short distance from the cinema we found yet another, Matty’s Café. Apparently Matthew Steele, who died in 1937, was the architect who designed the Hippodrome cinema as well as many other local buildings. Marvellous how things come together!

Jobsworth

When we arrived the staff, a girl who seemed to be on her own, was struggling to cope with an influx of customers. Like us, they were probably all from the cinema. To be honest, we are not even sure of the name of this place. It’s either Matty’s Cafe or the Bo’ness Bakery, take your pick. We chose the former but we think it’s run by the bakery that has a shop next door. Anyway we had to wait a while to be attended to so had time to look around. It’s one of these places which is kind of summed up by the clock above the coffee machine. No one has quite decided whose job it is to straighten it up. It’s probably been like that for years.

Eventually we were asked what we would like. For some reason I fancied a bacon roll. “All the rolls have gone, we only have burnt ones left”. I asked if that meant I couldn’t have a roll. “No, you can have one but it’ll be burnt“. Okay? Our order, of course, included a scone and before you could say ‘chop, chop, chop’ it was in front of us, lightening fast. My roll was indeed burnt … as black an executioner’s mind. It was also delicious. The fruit scone came with generous tubs of jam and whipped cream and was really quite good. However, in spite of what turned out to be really good cheery service it didn’t quite make the topscone grade. If you are looking for a no-frills kind of place in Bo’ness you could do a lot worse than Matty’s Café.

Irony

Mary’s body was taken and buried at Peterborough Cathedral. However, in an ironic final twist to the tale her son, James VI and I, who became the first king of England, Scotland and Ireland had her exhumed. She now lies in Westminster Abbey next to her cousin, Elizabeth I, who ordered her execution Can you hear the spinning?

Efficiency

Donald Tusk has said “I’ve been wondering what that special place in hell looks like, for those who promoted Brexit without even a sketch of a plan how to carry it out safely.” We’re with you Donald! As Theresa May goes to the EU yet again she must feel sooooo thankful that the guillotine has fallen into disuse. Mary Queen of Scots, on the other hand, may have wished for something as efficient.

EH51 9NF tel: 01506 825336 Bo’ness Bakery FB

Ordinary, Scones

Offshore

4th February 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 13 Comments

Paul Graham, en plein air on the Isle of Coll — En plein air on the Isle of Coll

One of our photographic friends, Paul Graham, was having a launch exhibition of his paintings at the Annan Gallery. It’s on Woodlands Road in Glasgow. A talented photographer for most of his life Paul has now veered more towards art. He works ‘en plein air’ which is his hifalutin way of saying ‘outside’. Paul does though! He sets his easel up in all sorts of situations and climatic conditions and gets to work, For some of the fab results see his blog. Anyway, much as we appreciate Paul’s work we were really only here for the champagne. Once that was finished there was nothing left to do except go for a scone. Okay, okay, that may seem slightly shallow but at least we were in a good mood for a scone.

Not far from the gallery we came across this place, Offshore, on Gibson Street. We mention the street simply because it was once home to the legendary Shish Mahal Indian restaurant. Back in the day, it used to be one of the few places you could get alcohol late on a Sunday evening. Typical order might have been ‘five chapatis and ten pints of lager‘. It had to close in Gibson Street because of subsidence but is still going strong in nearby Park Street. One of it’s close competitors, the Koh-i-Noor actually collapsed into the river Kelvin. Anyway, we digress!

Cursory wipes

Offshore looks a little bit as if it has been dragged from the Kelvin. A wee bit bedraggled. However this is student territory and since when were students put off by a bit of tawdriness? It had that studenty feel. Lots of folk, who looked like they had been there all day, reading books or fiddling with their laptops. We had to ask for our table to be cleared and cleaned. They did clear it but cleaning was nothing more than a cursory wipe. It needed more than a cursory wipe!

There were only rather large fruit scones available and a request for cream only produced a withering look. Toasted scones were not a problem however and they came accompanied by butter and a sachet of Nashville strawberry jam. We have only ever come across this north American preserve once before in Bob & Bert’s. My coffee cup had a major crack running all the way down but we guessed that they didn’t throw them away until they actually started leaking. I was fortunate in that mine, against all expectations, seemed to still be retaining its contents quite well.

Now you may think that this is all heading in one direction but the scones were damnably good. Warm and soft and quite delicious … even with American jam! We had thought, since they were not doing anything else right, that the scones would be similarly handicapped. However, had it not been for all the other problems these would definitely have been topscones. Maybe it was the champagne?
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Deserting the sinking ship

Offshore isn’t only where the wealthy keep their filthy lucre. It’s also where most people would like to be as Brexit wends its weary way towards some sort of cataclysmic conclusion. We don’t mean this café, we mean anywhere other than the UK. What irony! Principally, it was the north of England that voted to leave the EU. Now, one of the main industries in the north of England, Nissan, has announced it’s abandoning the UK to build their latest model elsewhere. Why? Because of Brexit. The north of England has many reasons to feel hard done by but it had little to do with the EU. It was just a really crappy conservative government here in the UK blaming the EU for its own shortcomings. It beggars belief that we are still pressing on, like lemmings, towards the cliff edge.

A plan

It was mainly old folk who voted for Brexit … young folk cannot remember anything other than the EU. The elderly also denied Scotland its independentence in 2014 … frightened about their pensions, Consequently we have come up with a plan. Everybody who is one year older than me should be shot. This plan will undoubtedly have a few critics however it would mean that most people would then vote correctly … simple! Some older friends might be saying “but what about us?” We realise there’s a downside but as Theresa would say “trust me, I know what is best for the country and this is the only way”.

In such dire circumstances my cracked mug doesn’t seem quite so important any more.

G12 8NU tel: 0141 341 0110 Offshore TA

Ordinary, Scones

Glencoe House Hotel

24th January 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 7 Comments

Donald Smith was brought up in Forres, near Inverness but ended up as Mr Hudson’s Bay Company and owning half of Canada. He became soooo rich even British Royalty welcomed him as a friend. Yes, he was that rich! In later life however he wanted to bring his family back to live in his native Scotland.

View over Glencoe House c1900 towards Loch Leven — Old post card view c1900 over Glencoe House towards Loch Leven – Highland Libraries

Fascinated with the romanticism and history of Glencoe he bought the entire estate in 1895. Then, as a token of his love for his Canadian born wife, Isabella, he built Glencoe House. He even tried to landscape it to look like her native NW Canada. It didn’t work, however, Bella was homesick for Canada and never took to Glencoe House. By that time Donald Smith had transmogrified into Lord Strathcona. He actually wanted to be known as Lord Glencoe but, because of its historic associations, was advised against it. ‘Strathcona’ is a Gaelic version of Glencoe.

Colonsay

He also bought one of our favourite islands, the Isle of Colonsay. A painting by Alan Morgan of one of our favourite beaches hangs in the great hall here at Glencoe House. The current Lord Strathcona still lives in Colonsay House. How ridiculous is it that such titles can be handed on from generation to generation by virtue of simply being born?

Glencoe Lochan

Anyway, this preamble is simply to let you know that Lord Strathcona’s house is now Glencoe House Hotel and for the past few days, for us, it has also been our home. You know that a place is suitable for a couple of illustrious sconeys when you are met at the door by a kilted gentleman bearing champagne. At home in Falkirk we haven’t had any snow at all this winter. Here, at the hotel, there was a full inch. Being ushered inside therefore, glass in hand, to sit in front of a huge roaring log fire was no great hardship.

View of Ben Bhan from the lochan at Glencoe House Hotel — View over Glencoe lochan towards snow covered Sgorr Bhan

It wasn’t all day pampering, we actually went outside sometimes. The Glencoe Lochan was only a hundred yards away and it was where we used to live in our climbing days. In the boathouse to be precise. Concrete floor, no door and no facilities whatsoever but it saved putting up a tent. Happy days, I certainly knew how to treat a girl. Presumably we were made of sterner stuff back then. Apparently the boathouse succumbed to a BBQ incident a few years back so it’s no longer there. Pity, it would have been nice to see it again.

Ice climbing

Just a few miles away, Kinlochleven plays home to Ice Factor, the world’s biggest ice climbing wall. It is 500 tonnes of real snow and is 12m high and we had never visited before. Contained within a gigantic fridge, it’s impressive to say the least. There are also loads of rock climbing walls and bouldering facilities elsewhere in the building.

Part of the ice wall at Ice Factor in Kinlochleven — part of the base of the ice wall at Ice Factor

The cafe at Ice Factor, however, was a scone free zone. What are they thinking about? Not to worry, we had taken the precaution of asking the ever helpful staff at the hotel if we could have some scones later in the day.

So it was that after a strenuous day looking at fabulous views and ice walls we arrived back at the hotel just before dark. We had to sit by the big log fire again … again! Then our scones arrived beautifully presented on a slate cake-stand topped off with biscuits and strawberries. There were two each and they came with loads of jam and cream. Could we eat them all, that was the big question? Somewhat predictably perhaps I did but Pat had to leave one of hers.

Comfy

Sitting here all toasty on a big comfy sofa eating scones it was hard to think that the boathouse was once what we looked forward to every single weekend in winter. It also made you wonder what was wrong with Lord Strathcona’s missus that she didn’t like these much more luxurious surroundings. Things like Brexit and the price of bread had long since been completely forgotten. Unfortunately the scones were rather disappointing with a slightly bread-like taste and texture. We have had much better so no topscone for Glencoe House Hotel. Pity, everything else was perfect.

Lord Strathcona and staff at Glencoe House — Lord and Lady Strathcona with family and staff at Glencoe House

PH49 4HT tel: 01855 811179 Glencoe House

Ordinary, Scones

The Bay Hotel

11th January 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 2 Comments

What a guy, what a hero, what a romantic! He had just seen off the Vikings at the Battle of Largs. Now, here he was riding from Edinburgh to Kinghorn on a dark stormy night to be with his wife on her birthday the following day. The Milk Tray Man would have been proud.

King Alexander III monument near the Bay Hotel at Pettycur Bay — The Alexander III monument near Kinghorn where he died on 18 March 1286

Birthday celebrations

It was not to be, however. His horse fell and he was found dead on the shore the following morning. Alexander III, the last Celtic King of Scots had been advised that the ride from Edinburgh was too dangerous. But would he listen? All Alexander’s three children died young so he left no heirs. The period of instability that followed would eventually lead to war with England. Oh no, not again! When Alexander died Queen Yolande was left waiting in Kinghorn having a memorable birthday for all the wrong reasons. Out of respect for her husband she would not have been sampling scones here at the Bay Hotel. We were however! Not out of disrespect you understand, just plain necessity!

Cream teas

After an exhilarating walk through the rocks and along the sand dodging plummeting witches (more of that later), we were in need of refreshment. We had spotted the Bay Hotel from the beach so we made our way there. It’s a strange kind of place. Probably set up to cater for the huge caravan park that surrounds it. It has a leisure centre with a beautiful swimming pool but we were only looking for one thing … and it wasn’t a swim.

A fruit scone was no problem but when we inquired about cream they asked if we would prefer a cream tea . A cream tea it was. The terrace looking over the river towards Edinburgh on the far shore was very tempting. However, lovely day as it was, still the middle of January so we opted for inside. The restaurant was obviously designed to cater for a multitude rather than just us and one or two others. A little bit soulless. Although not a topscone we thoroughly enjoyed it. We should have sat outside though … the Vikings would have!

Suffice to say that we had a much more enjoyable day in Kinghorn than Queen Yolande.

New profession

We came to Kinghorn for a walk along the beach at Pettycur. It’s all rather beautiful, especially on a day like today. However, we were not that far from the Clock Tower Café in Pittenweem where attentive readers will remember the fate of poor Janet Cornfoot. Yes, this is that part of Scotland where, at one time, all women must have lived in fear of their lives. Hard to imagine that this little town gave rise to a brand new profession … witch-pricking! The holders of these witch-pricking jobs, usually the local clergy, were responsible for inserting long wires into alleged witches in search of pain sensitivity and the presence of blood?? They were also responsible for interpreting the results. Let’s hazard a guess. If they found no blood and no sensitivity to pain, that would indeed have been a witch. Probably didn’t work like that though.
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View towards Edinburgh from the Bay Hotel at Pettycur Bay — Vie from the Bay … Arthur’s Seat in the middle distance

Kinghorn was a centre for witchcraft trials so most of the skilled witch-prickers were based there. As we walked along the beach we could look up at the ring inserted in the cliff face to which witches were chained and burned. If leniency was being shown they were only half burned before being thrown to their deaths while still chained to the ring. The sudden stop snapped them in half.

Many of these witches were accused of meeting with the Devil and, in most of those allegations, the Devil was disguised as a man. Goodness, surely not? Anyway, in 1644, Katherine Wallenge was the last poor woman to be treated in this vile manner. Consequently, all witch-prickers became redundant. Except? No it couldn’t be! We wonder if a modern form of witch-pricking has been resurrected in Westminster.

Return of the witch-prickers

Theresa May must feel a bit like Katherine Wallenge with all her colleagues sticking it to her. However, when it comes to Brexit, Theresa’s mantra that only her deal can deliver the Brexit that ‘the people’ voted for overlooks one vital fact. The people didn’t vote for some highfalutin deal with the satanic EU. Based on the garbage they had been fed by the politicians and media they just wanted OUT… simple! So unless she delivers a hard Brexit she will have failed to deliver what ‘the people’ voted for. “Stop all this silly bickering and get on with it” is what they would say. Of course it would result in the biggest act of self-harm in recorded history. Not exactly sure how they would measure it but we can almost see the Guinness Book of Records folk gathering surreptitiously in the background.

KY3 9YE tel: 01592 892222 The Bay

Telephone news

You’ll never guess what we found round the back of the Bay Hotel. Please don’t ask why we were round there. Yes, you’re right, a K8 telephone box. The K7, like the K5 never made it into production so the K6 which we all know and love was followed, in 1968, by the K8. Made entirely of cast iron, about 11,000 were produced. Now there are only 54 registered as still in existence. Wonder if this one is registered? It was in bad shape but was still proudly wearing the Lion Foundry badge. Okay, okay, we really do need to get a life. While we are on the subject The Pedant has kindly sent a photo of a fully functioning K6 in Stow-on-the-Wold. Made in Falkirk … yeagh, quality!

Stats

The wrong reasons

Democracy

Nirvana

More than expected

Despicable us

Highland hospitality

Clan of choice

Long memories

The dancing!

Egg timers?

Trust in short supply

Scone assistance

Fashion

What’s in a name?

Promising start

Honoured

Bribes

A Parcel of Rogues

Weekday revellers?

Tarts

Far fetched

Chop chop

Jobsworth

Irony

Efficiency

Cursory wipes

Deserting the sinking ship

A plan

Colonsay

Glencoe Lochan

Ice climbing

Comfy

Birthday celebrations

Cream teas

New profession

Return of the witch-prickers

Telephone news

by Bill and Pat Paterson and is about finding good scones throughout the world, with a little bit of politics