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These are the best scones we have found so far.

The Elephant House

24th February 2020 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

Welcome to the Elephant House, “The Birthplace of Harry Potter”. As far as Pat and I are concerned, we are aware of Harry Potter but that’s about it. Our knowledge and enthusiasm do not extend much beyond that.

picture of an elephant — One of the many elephant pictures at the Elephant House. This one eyeing up our scones

At the moment, however, we have two mini people living with us and for them, it is a different story entirely. They worship the very ground Harry walks on. And they are not the only ones. Legions of similarly minded people descend on this place simply because JK Rowling wrote some of the books in the backroom of this café. To be fair, other authors used it as well. Ian Rankin of Rebus fame and Alexander McCall-Smith who wrote the No1 Ladies Detective Agency to name but two.

The Harry Potter phenomena

But it’s the Harry Potter fame that has done for this place. It’s a veritable Mecca for Potter fans who make pilgrimages from all over the world, China in particular. The menu is printed in English and Chinese and there’s a mountain of memorabilia for sale. It’s quite a big café but we still had to wait about twenty minutes to be seated. The days of it being a hang out for aspiring authors have long gone. Even if they could get in, the atmosphere is pretty frenetic and hardly conducive to creative thinking. Having said that, it’s not difficult to imagine Rowling sitting here, gazing out the window at Edinburgh Castle and coming up with Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She eventually gave rise to the most successful book series of all time. Apparently it’s worth £4bn to the UK economy. Amazing!

That’s all very well but would Harry have waved his magic wand over the scones? Well, he may well have done, they were very good. Someone commented, “the service is so slow in here, anyone could write a book.” However, we found that, although the staff seemed to be run off their feet, they remained remarkably cheerful amidst the general busyness. The scones came with prepacked jam and a nice little bowl of clotted cream. Normally we like a bit of crunchiness to our scones but these were none the worse for being soft throughout. Our mini people gave the final verdict, thumbs up and a chorus of “we love scones” … topscone!

Graffiti in the toilets of the Elephant House — The owners have given up repainting the toilets. Potter fans scrawl their messages everywhere

This is certainly not the cheapest café in town but if there is a constant queue of people wanting to get in you can probably charge whatever you like.

The Harry Potter stories are about the gentle polite underdog eventually triumphing over evil. At the moment we desperately need Harry to go up against the current UK government and their draconian immigration policies. Unbelievable considering every one of them are either immigrants or the offspring of immigrants. The demented Prime Minister, Boris Johnson was born in the USA of Turkish descent; the Hindu Chancellor, Rishi Sunak’s parents were from Punjab; the loathsome Home Secretary, Priti Patel’s parents were Ugandan Indian and the deranged First Secretary of State, Dominic Raab’s were from Czechoslovakia. Their families have been welcomed into Britain in the past but now they are pulling up the ladder! If they get their way the Elephant House, along with every other restaurant in Edinburgh, won’t have any staff. Harry will have to work extra hard on his magical anti-fascist spells.

EH1 1EN tel: 0131 220 5355 Elephant House

///spike.hurry.thank

Scones, Top

Palm Court

7th February 2020 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

Well, here we are, our first scone since leaving Europe. The choice was either to go into some sort of maudling inward-looking period of navel-gazing or go out and have a scone. Guess which one we chose? In addition, we felt that we might as well celebrate our newfound freedom from the civilising influences of our EU friends with something a bit posh. Hence you find us closeted in the rather sumptuous confines of the Palm Court in Edinburgh’s Balmoral Hotel.

The exterior of the hotel is a marvelous confection in stone (Balmoral means “the majestic dwelling” in Gaelic) and the inside is equally elaborate. However, if you are one of those who only feel truly relaxed in the surroundings of a greasy spoon diner, this is not the place for you. On our long sconological journey, we have come to tolerate sumptuous surroundings like this with relative ease. The benefits of perseverance.

We’re here because one of the advantages of writing a scone blog is that friends and family tend to buy us gifts in line with our interests … and, as you know, we have very narrow interests. So it was on this occasion, a complimentary champagne afternoon tea … yeah! Many thanks to our benefactors. We were on time. The hotel is perched above Waverley Station so the clock is always set three minutes fast as an aid to travellers trying to catch a train. Hogmanay is the one exception in the year when it is spot on.

Famous faces

Film stars, Prime Ministers and Royalty have all stayed here, so of course, we felt at home straight away. Suite 552 is even named after JK Rowling who wrote her final Harry Potter novel here. Once we had got past the suitably suited and booted doorman we were welcomed by a lovely young lady called Lucy. She hailed from Menton in the south of France, a part of the world we know quite well. Monte Carlo and all that! A few months back we even posted a scone from the Scotch Tea House in Nice. Anyway, Lucy had been doing a hospitality course back home and when she finished she chose Scotland for her first real job. We warmed to her immediately. She settled us in and soon had us sorted with a couple of glasses of Charles Heidsieck champs while we perused the tea menu.

I opted for the Cloud tea for no other reason than that’s where all my personal data resides. Pat went for 2nd flush … not sure why. We’re not great tea connoisseurs. However, it’s nice to try new ones every now and again even though we always revert back to good old breakfast tea. When ours arrived another young lady shattered our nerves by pouring the boiling water into the teapots from a great height. Not sure if that enhances the taste in any way but it certainly gave the whole procedure an air of high drama. She didn’t spill a drop!

Three tiers

Normally, with an afternoon tea, everything comes on a three-tier cake stand. Savouries on the bottom, scones in the middle and cakes on top. Not here! We did get the cake stand but all three tiers were laden with savoury items … it was only the first course. Everything was delicious.Later we got the second course – the scones. As expected there were two each and they came beautifully warm, lightly dusted with icing sugar and presented with lots of jam and clotted cream. Meanwhile, Lucy refreshed our teapots and generally ensured that we lacked for nothing. Unsurprisingly, perhaps the scones were fab and what with the surroundings and the harpist playing in the small juliet balcony above our heads, we almost felt as if we were in Verona. It wasn’t that difficult a decision to make … topscone!

gifts at the Balmoral Hotel, Edinburgh — A parting gift of tea, chocolates and mini ice cream cones.

Good taste

It was so civilised as we lingered under the palm trees sipping champagne, eating scones and being pampered by Lucy. We could easily have believed we are still in Europe. Thoughts of bush fires, coronavirus, Boris’s lies, Trump’s lies, Syria, and climate change were banished to someplace far far away. Later, when we were preparing to rejoin the real world we asked Lucy if she would return to the south of France after her placement here was finished. She replied, “No, I plan to stay in Scotland, I really love it”. It’s true, the French really do have good taste! Even we had to admit – if this is what being out of Europe is like, it’s not that bad!

Wellington statue, Princes Street — The Duke of Wellington pointing at the clock and saying “that clock is three minutes fast”.

EH2 2EQ. tel: 0131 556 2414 Balmoral

///driven.behind.insist

ps Thanks go to one of our New Zealand correspondents. They sent photos of a scone extravaganza that recently took place at Papanui Club Bowling Club in Christchurch. That’s a lot of scones!

Scones, Top

Simply Sarah’s

31st January 2020 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

Okay, hands up, we are as bad as Boris when it comes to telling porkies. Having told readers that Norton House would be our last post from Europe here we are sending another! The difference between our porky pies and Boris’s is that ours are purely accidental. Maybe Boris has had an advance batch of the new Liar Wine being launched tomorrow to celebrate our departure from the EU. We honestly did not think we would be posting another scone so soon but here we are at Simply Sarah’s doing just that.

Closing early

On this rather wet day, we found ourselves in Doune shopping in one of Pat’s favourite shops. On the way into the shop, we suddenly realised there was a café almost next door. We had always thought of Doune as being a one-café (the Buttercup Cafe ) village but had never noticed Simply Sarah’s. It’s tiny, maybe that’s why! It had to be done.

When we say tiny, we mean tiny. Two small tables and a grand total of four seats. Cat swinging is not advised! You might think that this is about as far away as you can get from the Norton House. Well, in many ways it is, however, don’t be so hasty. Sarah is a classically trained chef who used to work in the upmarket Cromlix House Hotel before it was taken over by Andy Murray … and her experience shows.

We arrived at 2.45 and were warmly welcomed by Sarah. She also warned us that she had to close at 3.00 to go and pick her kiddy up from school. Being the only ones in we had our pick of the tables. We used both! There were two scones left which she had baked earlier in the day. Time was tight but we thought there was just enough to relieve her of those scones and still let her get away.

Prejudices

When the scones came, however, she had preloaded them with butter and jam… no cream. Readers are probably weary of hearing us bleat on about preloaded scones and places that don’t have cream. Normally these two things alone would bar them from the topscone category. Here, however, at Simply Sarah’s we have decided to throw all these silly prejudices overboard because the scones were sooo good. Soft in the middle and just the right of crunch on the outside. On the strength of the scones, we bought a couple of Sarah’s homemade pies. It turned out that we had plenty of time for our scones. This hard-working lady was busy shutting up shop as we left so we hope she wasn’t late for pickup.

Leave the light on

In about nine hours from writing this, we will be out of Europe and bobbing about uncontrollably on a sea of uncertainty like some unsavoury piece of flotsam. Okay, maybe not immediately as we still have the 12 month transition period to get through. But still it will be momentous for all the wrong reasons. The world’s media is descending on Scotland to see how this historic event is commemorated. Don’t expect fireworks here. Brexit has beautifully highlighted Scotland’s democratic deficit. People across the globe now understand the country’s plight better than ever before. Scots are proud Europeans but at 11pm tonight we must prepare to have that part of our national identity forcibly removed.

Perhaps all is not lost, however. As British MEPs were leaving the European Parliament last Wednesday there was a rousing chorus of that quintessentially Scottish song, Auld Lang Syne, accompanied by a promise to ‘”leave the light for Scotland” so it can find its way home. The Scottish Parliament has also refused to lower the EU flag as a symbol to those EU citizens living here that they are still welcome.

Who ate all the pies?

Pies, not the porky pies but the steak and the coronation chicken pies we bought at Simply Sarah’s have since been scoffed. Simply Sarah’s pies are simply the best!

FK16 6BY tel: 01786 842304 Simply Sarah’s FB

///anchovies.fastening.origin

ps Thanks go to our Oregon correspondents who have informed us that they make vegan scones from recipes in Realm magazine. while listening to the music of Dougie MacLean.

Scones in Realm magasine — Realm magazine

However, they are concerned that the neighbours might start complaining about the Scots balladeer. Now we just happen to know that their garden in Lebanon is huge so they must have Dougie cranked up pretty loud. Anyway, for us, it conjures up a wonderful image of scones being baked to the strains of Caledonia. They must be full of Scottish goodness! Do any other readers have favourite scone making music? This is ours, you may remember it from a previous post at Sarocha’s Cafe, click here to remind yourself of its brilliance.

Scones, Top

Norton House Hotel

29th January 2020 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

Faced with the prospect of finishing January 2020 and leaving the EU without bringing our readers a topscone prompted us to give ourselves a shake and try a bit harder. Hence you find us here at Norton House Hotel on the outskirts of Edinburgh. We have passed it a million times before while dropping folk off at the airport or picking them up. Never before had it occurred to us to turn off and take the long driveway leading to the hotel. Today, however, we thought a place like this might just put a stop to our topscone famine.

Rings of growth

The rather grand building was constructed in 1840 but no one seems to know who or why it was built. Not until 43 years later, when it was bought by John Usher, does it feature anywhere at all. Usher, had a large brewing company and sucked up to the establishment sufficiently to be made a Baronet in 1899. The house remained in the family until 1951 when the 3rd Baronet of Norton died. It then became a hotel.

During all that time a beech tree, planted around 1810, stood near the house until it fell during a storm in 2017. The hotel manager, a keen woodworker, fashioned this table from it and inscribed it with notable events on the appropriate growth rings. Here is a small selection of the events he chose:

1821 Napoleon dies
1826 Harry Houdini was born
1834 Slavery abolished
1845 Irish potato famine
1865 Abraham Lincoln dies and Alice in Wonderland published
1887 the light bulb was invented
1883 Treasure Island published
1904 hamburger invented
1914 World War I
1922 Birds Eye frozen foods founded
1933 King Kong climbs the Empire State Building
1939 World War II
1972 birth of Michael Sanchez
1976 1st Apple computer
1986 Glasnost

To think that all this happened during this tree’s lifetime somehow brings distant historical events a bit closer. Michael Sanchez, by the way, is the aforementioned manager. Anyway enough of all that.

Cream tea

As expected, this is a nice place. We were shown to a table in a comfortable light and bright lounge. After a spot of lunch, we ordered a cream tea to share. The young man looking after us had explained that a cream tea came with two scones … one fruit, the other plain. When it arrived we could see that the scones were just the right size and they were even accompanied by a couple of delicious-looking oaten biscuits. Lots of jam containing whole strawberries and a healthy bowl of clotted cream. Hopes were high! Happily, the whole thing lived up to expectations. At last, an easy topscone and as such the first of the year and the decade. Not expensive either, our total bill came to £13.50.

The end is nigh!

Of course, it may also be the last scone we can send you from Europe. On Friday we will be floated off into the Atlantic away from the warm embrace of our European friends on a journey to who knows where. Perhaps our old Commonwealth friends will look after us if any of them have memories with a scintilla of fondness?

Brexit has been financed by a few billionaires who stand to profit handsomely while squirreling away ill-gotten gains offshore. The rich will get richer and the poor will get poorer. No change then?

As a slight aside, I came across the life expectancy of people named Norton … don’t ask. The average life expectancy of a Norton in 1941 was 39, and 75 in 2004. Well done the Nortons and well done Norton House Hotel for letting us leave Europe on a topscone high. Farewell Europe, perhaps we will meet again someday?

EH28 8LX tel: 0131 333 1275 Norton House

///doors.juggle.corrects

ps Recently we have been in touch with many friends down under in an effort to find out if they are escaping the effects of the horrendous bush fires. Thankfully they’re all okay but, like us, dismayed at the colossal destruction. Some have even sent pictures to show that amidst all the adversity scones continue to provide a modicum of comfort. Our Bathurst correspondents sent this from the O’Connell Avenue Café. Where there are scones, there’s hope!

Scones, Top

Coffee Bothy – revisited

6th December 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 3 Comments

In the late 16th century, Lady Doune of Doune Castle, otherwise known as Margaret Campbell, must have been a formidable woman indeed. Her son was known as the Bonnie Earl of Moray because of his good looks, athleticism, skill on the dance floor and his love of scones. Haven’t been able to verify this last claim but we just think he would have been an avid sconey. However, these attributes ended up making him an enemy of King James VI whose Queen, Anne of Denmark, was paying too much attention to the Bonnie Earl. Unfortunately the King was a Boris-like knock-kneed slobbering individual with none of the charms of the young Earl. Eventually, James got the Earl of Huntly, otherwise known as the Cock o’ the North, to take “whatever measures necessary” against Moray.

Best laid plans

In 1592, Huntly contrived to burn Moray to death by setting fire to another of Moray’s country seats at Donibristle in Fife. Moray fled with his head on fire but was struck down by Huntly’s men. Huntly drew his dirk and slashed Moray across the face. The Bonnie Earl’s last words were “You, Huntly – you have spoiled a better face than your own!”. Ouch! Definitely a sconey!

Now this may sound a bit like modern day politics. Unbelievably, Huntly, the King and everyone else associated with the dastardly deed denied all knowledge. Sound familiar? We now think that the Duke of York’s current memory problems may actually be a hereditary affliction affecting all aristocracy. No doubt due to centuries of in-breeding! It’s just a thought but maybe we should cut him some slack … or maybe not?

Mothers

Moray’s mum, Lady Doune wasn’t having any of it and sought to expose all concerned. She had her son’s naked, stabbed and mutilated body put on display in the Kirk of Leith. A painting of the body was made for exhibition. She had his blood stained shirt paraded through the streets of Edinburgh. The outrage was such that the King had to go into hiding for a while in Glasgow and Huntly was imprisoned at Blackness Castle. That’s mothers for you.

Internal view of the Coffee Bothy atDeanston Distillery, Doune

Anyway, all this is simply to tell you that today we are in Doune visiting one of Pat’s favourite shops. After a couple of hours of fairly intensive retail therapy, however, we were both in dire need of a scone. So on this -4ºC frosty day we decided to head a few hundred yards along the River Teith to the café at Deanston Distillery. Almost three years since we were last at the Coffee Bothy. so it was due a quality check anyway.

External view of Deanston Distillery, Doune

The last time we were here the scones came as a brace and that is still the case.

A scone at the Coffee Bothy at Deanston Distillery, Doune

They are quite small but if you want to try two different types, this is the answer. Unfortunately, on this occasion they only had fruit left so that wasn’t an option. Plenty of jam and whipped cream as well so the Coffee Bothy did not disappoint second time around. Just a smidgen off topscones but very enjoyable nevertheless.

You never know the minute

In our last post about the Coffee Bothy we were lamenting the fact that Deanston distillery (about 20 miles from Falkirk) had become the closest to home. It used to be Rosebank distillery (a few hundred yards away) but it closed in 1993. It had produced Scotland’s most light and floral whisky and came to define Lowland whiskies in general. Since then, however, it has been announced that Rosebank is to be completely renovated and will reopen in the next year or so. Not only that, a brand new Falkirk distillery, imaginatively called the Falkirk Distillery, is in the process of being built at the other end of the town and will also be opening within a few months.

Bottle of whisky at Deanston Distillery, Doune

Now, although this news may not excite all sconeys please remember that both distilleries will undoubtedly feature a coffee shop. Excited now? Watch this space.

For the first time in its history, the BBC has resorted to public challenges to try and get the Prime Minister to be interviewed by Andrew Neil like all the other party leaders. No success so far but don’t be surprised if Neil’s home suddenly goes on fire with him in it.

FK16 6AG tel: 01786 843013 Coffee Bothy TA

///kneeled.blotches.fooling

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Singl-end Café & Bakehouse

13th November 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 4 Comments

Duke of Wellington statue at Singl-end Café, Glasgow — Glasgow Council, after years of removing the traffic cone from the Duke of Wellington’s statue only for it to reappear the next day eventually gave up. Now a major tourist attraction and emblazoned on memorabilia like this tea towel

For those not familiar with Scottish vernacular, or, to be more precise, Glasgow vernacular, a “singl-end,” or single-end was the name for a tiny tenement room into which large families were packed back in the good old days. Toilets were on the landings and could be shared with up to ten other families. This was a dreadful way of life which thankfully no longer exists. The term “singl-end”, however, is still sometimes used today to remember with misty eyed fondness those times. Times of close community when everyone knew everyone else and looked after each other. As a way of life the singl-end probably gave rise to Glasgow’s unique friendliness. A sense of humour was the minimum required to survive in such conditions and combined with a down to earth irreverence and an ability to laugh at themselves, Glasgow is like no other city.

Posh?

Pat, a proud Weegie, wasn’t brought up in a singl-end, rather a “room and kitchen”. Having a separate kitchen didn’t exactly make you posh but it was definitely one up from a singl-end!

When we came across the Singl-end Café & Bakehouse it just had to be done. And what a find! It’s in a basement so is virtually invisible from the street. Not that that is holding it back, when we arrived it was busy busy … and it’s nothing like a singl-end at all, it’s huge! It has what we would describe as a kind of hip feel about it so naturally, being pretty hip ourselves, we felt at home straight away. It’s veggie and vegan friendly without being at all shoutie about it … brill!

Creme de la creme

The staff were an absolute delight and they soon had us set up with some absolutely delicious lunch. The problem was that there was so much delicious lunch that we feared we might not manage the scones we had spotted earlier. Undeterred, however, we let our tummies settle down for a while then ordered our scones. When we asked for cream with our scones a funny thing happened. But first let us ask a question. “What cheese would you use to hide a horse?” Don’t think about it too long … it’s mascarpone, obviously! When we asked for cream our waitress said “It’s mascarpone cream” followed by “Its nice” when she saw our consternation. It’s veggie so it fits with their ethos. So the final order was a fruit scone for Pat and a blueberry and pistachio scone with blackcurrant jam and mascarpone cream for me. Life on the edge.

One very noticeable thing about this place is that the service is almost instantaneous. lightening quick! So, almost immediately, our scones were in front of us served up on wooden chopping boards. They were really good and the mascarpone cream was really good as well. We loved everything about Singl-end Café & Bakehouse. There is another Singl-end nearer the city centre but we wish they would venture out to the provinces and open one nearer us.

Mickey Mouse

Each table in Singl-end has a glass top and underneath the glass is an array of odd and totally unrelated items – postcards, bits of hand written letters, drawings and sketches … a really fascinating miscellany of stuff. At my seat a stamp from Grenada caught my eye. Can you ever see the UK issuing a stamp featuring Donald Duck? We can’t imagine anything ever inducing the ‘stiff upper lip’ British government to do such a thing. One featuring Mickey Mouse might be appropriate though considering the present state of our politics. The other Donald seems to be pulling all the strings in our upcoming election. Acting on The Donald’s instructions, Nigel Farage has suddenly gone from all principled and powerful back to his usual sniveling self.

Another question “What cheese would you use to coax a bear out of a tree?” The answer – camembert! We know, the jokes are even worse than the politics!

G3 6TT tel: 0141 353 1277 Singl-end Café and Bakehouse

///pans.slows.simply

ps It is with great sadness that we report the passing of one of our correspondents who hailed from Stenhousemuir … the SteniBrainFart. He contributed to several posts like Brians Café and The Loft. We named him thus because of his uncanny knack of instantly coming up with oodles of useless information on just about any subject under the sun. He was proud of the name and signed his emails with it. He will be greatly missed.

Scones, Top

Muircot Farm Shop

9th October 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 5 Comments

Now that the summer is pretty well over we have reverted to our old routine of going to the early morning show at our local Hippodrome cinema. Today we saw The Farewell, a true story about lies … no, nothing to do with Boris! We thoroughly enjoyed it. It was our kind of film … no loud sounds, no nudity, no violence and no CGI. Are we getting old?

Afterwards we decide to act on a tip off we had received from our ever diligent Trossachs correspondents. They flagged up Muircot Farm Shop as a place they thought we would enjoy. It’s just outside the Clackmannanshire village of Coalsnaughton so not too far to drive after our movie.

Good advice

Those Trossachs folk know us too well. We were super impressed by everything. In some ways it is just like a multitude of other farm shops … a big shed! However this one seemed to have a slightly different vibe. Not sure if it was the warm and friendly staff, the spacious layout or the fabulous view of the Ochil hills, but it just felt good.

As we ordered some lunch and were trying to make up our minds whether to have a scone each or to share one, our waitress said “you will get a lot of bread with your soup“. Sound advice as it turned out. Almost half a loaf of wonderfully soft whole meal bread made us very glad we decided to share a scone.

Topscone was an easy decision right from the start. Just the right size, wonderful texture with plenty of fruit and lots of jam and cream to go with it. Judging by the healthy portion sizes, you got the feeling that this place is run by a farmer’s wife. No one is going to leave hungry. Inevitably, in farm shops, you are tempted to buy a lot of stuff from the shop. That’s the whole idea after all! This was no exception. We came away with a great selection of goodies to take home.

The final solution

Recently we have met many people confused about what is happening with Brexit. When we say that we know what is happening they are surprised and relieved when it is explained. For the bewildered of the world, here is our explanation:

31st Oct – we leave the EU (do or die)
1st Nov – Scotland gets independence
2nd Nov – Scotland rejoins the EU
3rd Nov – Scotland writes to the wise one, Donald Trump, asking advice on how to build a wall and get England to pay for it.

You will, of course, understand that this timetable is not set in stone. There may be some movement on specific dates. Never mind though, Brexit sanctuary can always be sought at Muircot Farm Shop. Excellent tip off

View of Ochil hills from Muircot Farm Shop, Tillicoultry — View towards Tillycoultry and the Ochil hills

FK13 6LS tel: 01259 750886 Muircot Coffee Shop

///rotate.cashiers.enhances

ps Thanks must go to our newest correspondents from Devon. They sent us this picture of a Falkirk made K6 … not in Devon, but in Gramasdal on the Isle of Benbecula. They were out for a walk!

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Pips

12th September 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 3 Comments

There’s an old saying, “giving someone the pip”. It derives from ‘the Pip’ which used to be a disease of chickens but, in modern day parlance, means to annoy or irritate. Now far be it from us to suggest that our Prime Minister was giving us the pip but we were really looking forward to the prorogation of Westminster so that we would not have to put up with him for a while. But then, all of a sudden, up pops a triumvirate of Scottish judges to say the prorogation was actually illegal. Boris had been telling porky pies to the Queen. Will he end up in the Tower? Will he keep his head? Watch this space. If you want news of the UK’s first beheading in a while just keep reading the scones. You will be the first to know. We’re pretty sure he would have simply talked to her in his usual blustering way and dear old HRH wouldn’t have had a clue what he was on about … just like the rest of us!

So, given that Scottish judgement, maybe Parliament hasn’t been prorogued after all …. arrrgghh!

Anyway, talking of pips, here we are in Callander, in Pips Coffee Shop. We had spent the morning helping my aunt, who lives here, celebrate her 95th birthday. Nothing too outrageous, just a cup of tea, a biscuit and lots of chat. It was great to see her in such good form.

Busy, busy!

After we left, rather than drive straight home we decided to get some lunch before we left town. The last time we tried Pips it was closed and we ended up in Applejacks. Today, however, it was open … and very busy. There seemed to be only one young girl clearing tables, serving everything and manning the cash desk. She was literally running the whole time but simultaneously managing to be polite and welcoming to everyone … amazing!

We had spotted the scones on our way in. They looked quite big so we decided to share one after our meal. Everything was great, however, our scone did not look that promising. Having reviewed almost 340 scones, in our expert opinion it looked pretty solid. Our expectations were correspondingly low. What do we know? It was rather wonderful. Not crunchy at all but instead had a taste and texture that was surprisingly nice. Expectations confounded yet again. By the time we had finished the café was inexplicably empty. Thankfully our young lady might get some respite. A topscone, so well done Pips.

Hard earned title snatched

When we asked who Pip was, no one seemed to know. They said it was lost in the mists of time. Is it too much to ask that Boris follow Pip. At least one person is happy … Theresa May! She has had her title as ‘worst Prime Minister ever’ immediately snatched from her. If nothing else, Bojo has achieved that!

Callander main street — Main Street, Callander

FK17 8BL tel: 01877 330470 Pips Coffee Shop TA

///engineers.union.equipping

ps There is a curious thing going on at the moment in our home town of Falkirk. A campaign has been mounted to save the last of the town’s K6 telephone boxes from removal. They were manufactured in Falkirk so form part of the town’s heritage. The Council, however, appears to have little interest.

We are once again indebted to our Trossachs correspondents who have sent pictures of this K6 in Portsmouth. Portsmouth’s Council obviously have much more in the way of imagination than Falkirk’s. They also sent this photo of a cannon at Gunwharf Quay in Portsmouth. Made at Carron Iron Works in 1810.

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Airth Castle Hotel

1st September 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 3 Comments

We had actually been invited to Airth Castle Hotel. Who on earth would invite a couple of sad sconeys to a place like this we hear you ask? A.R.D. Consultancy Ltd is the answer. They are lovely people. We charge them with ensuring that we continue to live the indulgent hedonistic lifestyle to which we have become so very very accustomed. So far they have done pretty well. At least, as you all know, we can still afford the odd scone here and there. It just so happens that this is A.R.D.’s twentieth year in existence, hence the invite to help them celebrate this significant milestone.

Understanding

Although Airth Castle Hotel is only a ten minute drive from where we live we decided to stay overnight … just because! In order to make full use of our stay we arrived mid afternoon and after settling into our room we went exploring in search of a scone. Nothing is straight forward here! Initially we phoned up to reserve a room but were told that we couldn’t do that because the staff that do reservations had gone home?? We had to resort to the internet and Booking.com. It was a similar story with our scones. Having asked for tea and scones we were seated and then given a menu … what’s not to understand about a request for tea and scones? We settled on a cream tea.

What’s a cream tea?

Pat’s tea and my coffee arrived very promptly and then we waited for the scones, and we waited, and we waited … and we waited. About twenty minutes later, when we were just about to have our scones prorogued (it’s our new word) they arrived. They arrived complete with a plate of fruit kebabs (bits of fruit skewered on a stick) and a couple of glasses full of a pink yogurt like substance. When we asked what it was, our waitress said “Oh, is that not part of a cream tea?” and then, with a look of bewilderment “I’ve no idea what a cream tea is” … ehh? She took the kebabs away “to check” and we never saw her or them again.

Dilemma

By this time, as you can probably imagine, we were less than impressed. Dutifully, however, we set about our scones with as much enthusiasm as we could muster. In our heads these scones were already consigned to oblivion but, damn it, they were absolutely delicious. Warm and wonderfully crunchy on the outside and super soft on the inside. We had had to wait so long that my coffee had gone cold. When fresh stuff arrived, however, we thoroughly enjoyed everything we had. To begin with we thought that, given everything that had gone wrong, it would be impossible to award a topscone. Then, however, we decided that life was too short and awarded one anyway. Well done Airth Castle Hotel but please please get the rest of your act together.

Fat rascals

No, nothing to do with Boris and his millionaire buddies. After our scones we had to go back to our room and get ourselves dolled up for the evening’s festivities. And what and evening it was! Much fun was had by all. A.R.D.’s Yorkshire roots were on display. Everyone was given a goodie bag containing a teabag of Yorkshire tea, a chocolate guinea from Betty’s Yorkshire tearoom and a scone. No ordinary scone mind you … a fat rascal! Now the A.R.D. management were adamant that it was not a scone. They are aware of our dalliance with scones but maintained that this was a perfectly unique Yorkshire delicacy and totally unrelated to a scone. When we looked at Betty’s website, however, we found that it was indeed a scone, albeit a Yorkshire one … at least a distant cousin. Typically perhaps, they just do things differently down in England’s nether regions.

336 scones and still learning

A fat rascal has a cheeky smiling face made out of almonds and glacé cherries. It also contains citrus peel and juicy currants. Betty recommends that they be eaten warmed and buttered and that’s exactly how we had them the following day. They were markedly sweeter than a ‘normal’ scone but absolutely delicious … lots of buttery fruitiness. With a lot of scones under our belts … literally, and thinking there wasn’t much to add to our sconological knowledge base, along comes a fat rascal! Brilliant!

Is there something slightly disconcerting about giving someone all your money and in return they give you a chocolate guinea and a fat rascal? That grinning face? Should we be worried? Many thanks to A.R.D. for a great night and for expanding our wealth, sconologically at least .

FK2 8JF tel: 01324 831411 Airth Castle & Spa

///scorched.willpower.rolled

ps We are indebted to Duncan Comrie. He has launched a campaign to save the last five K6 telephone boxes from BT’s removal programme in Falkirk. He produced this photograph of a K6 in Stenhousemuir which is obviously in need of some TLC as a typical example. It was manufactured in Falkirk and is representative of Falkirk’s industrial heritage. Ways of preserving them, including a heritage trail are actively being pursued. Anyone interested in supporting his efforts can attend a meeting on 2nd Sept in Bainsford Community Centre at 7pm. Fingers crossed he meets with success.

Scones, Top

Japanese Gardens at Cowden

27th August 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 2 Comments

This has definitely not been Prince Andrew’s week. He has won the “Most Useless Royal” accolade, admittedly against some very stiff competition. Presumably he also thinks he has thrown the media off the scent over his association with convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. Good luck with that one! So desperate is he to regain some sort of respectability he is even thinking of getting back together with his ex-wife, Sarah. Alternatively he may just have to disappear for a while, but don’t worry, we have plenty more Royals lined up to take his title.

Gardens

Enough of that distasteful stuff! Such is the preponderance of Japanese gardens in central Scotland we have had to call this one the ‘Japanese Gardens at Cowden’ to differentiate them from the ‘Japanese Gardens at Dalziel House’. Who would have thought it? Both are just a short drive from where we live yet, until today, we had never been to either of them.

Oriental influences

We had spent the previous day chatting with a friend who lives in Tokyo and had our heads filled with everything Japanese. Hence today, feeling suitably inspired we set off for Cowden where we knew there was a Japanese garden. What’s one Japanese garden doing in the heart of Scotland you may well ask, never mind two? Well, this one is all down to one of these redoubtable Victorian ladies, Isabella ‘Ella’ Christie. She was born into money but she was remarkable because instead of sitting quietly doing embroidery, like many of her contemporaries, she traveled the world on her own. Particularly to countries like India, Tibet and Borneo. It was a visit to Japan, however, that sparked a fascination with their gardens and when she returned to Scotland she set about creating one here at Cowden Castle, her ancestral home, long since demolished.

Apparently when she was aged fifty and waiting for a train at the local station she was asked if she was traveling to Edinburgh … “no, Samarkand” was the reply. Gives you a sense of her indomitable spirit. To create the garden she even imported Japanese gardeners to help her with the task. Together they created a fabulous garden centered around a wee loch in the castle grounds. Sadly after Ella’s death in 1949 the garden suffered from neglect. Happily, it is now restored thanks to a charitable Trust. You can get an idea of the work that has been done in this little video.

Of course, we also knew that there was a tearoom at the gardens … as if an added incentive was necessary? Surprised though to find that the building housing the tearoom was nothing more than a rather utilitarian looking portakabin. Neverthel less, it served its purpose and we suspect that this is only a temporary arrangement until the charity that runs everything gets enough money to build something a bit more substantial. All the inside seats were taken so we had no choice but to sit outside. On a day like to today that’s what we would have chosen to do anyway.

Exciting!

We were served by a lovely elderly lady who began by apologising profusely for her lack of expertise. This was her first day doing this sort of work. Exciting for her and for us. We needn’t have worried though she soon had us sorted with some lunch and a fruit scone to share. The scone came with a little pot of jam and loads of whipped cream. For some reason we did not have high expectations and were pleasantly confounded when it turned out to be excellent. Topscone without a doubt!

The entrance to the Japanese Garden at Cowden — entrance to the gardens

One of Ella’s favourite haunts was Kashmir and we wonder what she would have made of the current disastrous situation there. In fact, what would she make of anything that is going on these days? Burning rain forests, Brexit, Trump, Johnson and Miley Cyrus‘ new tattoo? We are sure she would have found it all terribly tiresome. Ella called her Japanese Garden at Cowden ‘The Place of Pleasure and Delight’ … boy, do we need more places like that these days.

FK14 7PL tel: 07570 614763 Japanese Garden

///racing.films.afterglow

ps Our Kiwi correspondents have kindly sent a picture of some scones they thought were particularly good. They got them and some apple cake while dropping off some bulk fertiliser to friends in Whangarei just north of Aukland … don’t ask!They look absolutely delicious. Unfortunately, however, for readers, they are unavailable to the common people. Unless, of course, you happen to know Mary, their friend?

Famous faces

Three tiers

Good taste

Closing early

Prejudices

Leave the light on

Who ate all the pies?

Rings of growth

Cream tea

The end is nigh!

Best laid plans

Mothers

You never know the minute

Posh?

Creme de la creme

Mickey Mouse

Good advice

The final solution

Busy, busy!

Hard earned title snatched

Understanding

What’s a cream tea?

Dilemma

Fat rascals

336 scones and still learning

Gardens

Oriental influences

Exciting!

by Bill and Pat Paterson and is about finding good scones throughout the world, with a little bit of politics